Jay: [aside to camera] By the time we got through to the vet, the surgery was over.
Gloria: And Stella was fine.
Jay: I just have to say Gloria really stepped up and nursed my baby back to health. Only one problem.
Gloria: Stella choose me now.
Jay: It's not real. You give her pain meds. It's like she's sucking up to her dealer.

Phil: But you have tons of friends. Mitch and Cam love you.
Pepper: Yeah, they're okay in small doses. And a straight-guy friend, never. A lot of straight guys find me...
Phil: Annoying?
Pepper: Intimidating. Wait for me to finish. This isn't Mad Libs.

Phil: And we make our way back to the formal entryway, which, according to your checklist, "must be large enough to make people swoon when they step inside."
Pepper: I want to do it again. "Ugh, that Pepper claims to be wealthy, but I don't believe it for a... [gasps] Oh, my heavens! We're peasants."

Phil: It's got everything on your list: piano bar, his and his dining rooms, plus a view of Rihanna's roof, which I never quite understood.
Pepper: I did a party for her once, and I could feel those judgy Barbadian eyes looking down on me. Now who's looking down on who, RiRi?
Phil: Like they say, location, location, vengeance.

Manny: Oh, what's wrong with Stella?
Jay: She has an elongated soft palate, which is why sometimes it's hard for her to breathe. And she snores a lot.
Gloria: Any chance that they can do you, too?
Jay: This is a serious operation. They have to put her out. What happens if she doesn't wake up? What would I do?!
Manny: When I got my wisdom teeth out, you made me walk the last four blocks to the dentist so you could get an Egg McMuffin before the 10:30 cut-off.
Jay: You're gonna have to let that go.

Phil: Crown molding wainscoting, crown molding wainscoting, French door credit score, French door credit score.
Claire: You warming up for a big showing?
Phil: Very big. I finally found Pepper his dream house.
Claire: I can't believe you're still letting that man waste your time. How many houses have you shown him?
Phil: Pfft, only, like... I don't know, like, uh, 120. But we have fun. He's a hoot.

Claire: Great. So if Pepper doesn't buy the house today, you agree to stop letting him string you along and drop him as a client.
Phil: How long did you string me along before I closed that deal?
Claire: Honey, you can't get Pepper pregnant and trap him in a house.
Phil: You're on.

Claire: [aside to camera] Alex's boyfriend, Bill, has cooked up some invention he wants us to invest in. Why us? Because someone inspired him.
[flashback:]
Phil: As you can see, my patent-pending Wear-Chair TM, barely noticeable.
Bill: I love it.
Phil: Whenever I get tired of standing, all I have to do, press this button. A spring-loaded leg jets out to provide me with a comfy seat. [grunts]
Claire: You put it on backwards, didn't you?
Phil: [strained] My point is, Bill, there's a great invention inside all of us.

Cameron: Okay, uh, I gestured you over here 'cause we need to talk about Lily.
Mitchell: Yes, I puzzled that out. Also, you don't need to whisper. Watch. Honey, your father and I may get divorced because he's thinking about becoming a woman.
Lily: That explains a lot. I'm in between songs.

Cameron: What is going on with her? I don't want to be shut out like this another day.
Mitchell: I know, but let's... let's not get hysterical.
Cameron: I'm not getting hysterical.
Mitchell: We're minutes away.
Cameron: Fair enough.