Claire: Who was that?
Gloria: Dr. Dooda Dada. She thinks that she can flirt her son all the way to Washington, but I'm gonna take her down.
Claire: I would love to chat, but I got to get to A.P. Calc.

Cameron: Oh, well, you know what? We're really not supposed to, but you know what? Hey, guys, listen to this. My name's Cam. I'm the sheriff of Dodge Ball. Okay, you guys are the Hatfields. You are the McCoys. Mr. Mandelbaum, I'd like you to stay seated. You're gonna be our referee. All right, everybody, let's dodgeball!
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: Dodgeball was a smash. Dr. Donna and Gloria were like two assassins just picking off their victims one by one.

Luke: Wait a minute. We like all the same things, but you don't think I'm cute?
Piper: I've got a thing for Latin men.
Zoe: I like 'em dumb.
Luke: Well, that's just offensive.
Manny: And shallow. Just because we're guys doesn't mean we don't have feelings.
Luke: Yeah. I don't feel good about this. It makes me feel... Bad.

Manny: Come on, Luke. Let's get out of here.
Piper: Our parents aren't home. If you want, we'll make out with you.
[aside to camera:]
Manny: I'm not proud of what happened next.
Luke: I am.

Haley: My boots!
Mitchell: This is a disaster! Save the seals!

Jay: You think you can get this thing to work?
Phil: Hey, you're supposed to be the lookout. What if somebody walks in?
Jay: Gee, they'll call my parents.

Phil: Listen, I'm gonna get back to class.
Jay: Before you go, let me ask you a question. How do you know how to do all this stuff?
Phil: Back in High School, I was in the A.V. club. We did all kinds of crazy things. One year, we hid a microphone in the gym. We could totally hear everything that was going on at prom.
Jay: I used to make fun of guys like you. This is pretty cool.

Jay: Best open house ever.
Phil: It's all gravy when you're in the A.V.

Alex: I've been like this for as long as I can remember.
Dr. Clark: Can you give me an example?
Alex: Well, when I was little, I was in a spelling bee at school and I really wanted to win. I don't know why. There was no prize. No one cared. My parents didn't even know I was in it. I just felt this weight on my shoulders, like if I lost, I'd- I don't know. I just had to win.
Dr. Clark: And did you?
Alex: Yep. Know what the winning word was? Responsibility.
Dr. Clark: Is that what you feel? A responsibility to win all the time? To always be the best?
Alex: That's one way to put it.

Mrs. Nuttle: I realize our juniors are busy with S.A.T.s, so as a rule, I only give two hours of homework a night.
Claire: Two hours?
Mrs. Nuttle: Our students are highly advanced. It's nothing they can't handle.
Claire: You know, I'm- I'm sure they can. It's just that if they have two hours in this class and they have an hour for A.P. Bio and an hour and a half for, um, advanced lit and- Hang on one second. Let me just do this on the board, 'cause then it's... Um, we got 2 and 1 and 1.5 and then another, uh, hour and a half for A.P. History gives us...
Nina: It's 6.
Claire: Yes! Nina, I was getting there. Thank you! Thank you so much! If I could just have a second to think without all the tippy-tappy typing. Six.