‘Under Pressure’
Season 5, Episode 12 - Aired January 15, 2014
At a high school open house, Claire finds herself overwhelmed just thinking about all the pressure on Alex, Jay teaches Phil to break the rules some times, and Gloria encounters a competitive "mean girl" mom. Meanwhile, Mitchell gets defensive when he's confronted by his eco-warrior neighbor.
Quote from Manny
Gloria: Are you ready?
Jay: Yeah. Why do you look like that when I look like this?
Manny: My friends say it's because of your money.
Quote from Jay
Gloria: What is her name?
Manny: Either Zoe or Piper.
Gloria: How can you be going on a date and you don't know her name?
Manny: This is where it gets interesting.
Jay: I seriously doubt that.
Quote from Luke
Manny: [aside to camera]A few days ago, we almost let a girl come between us.
Luke: Then a miracle happened. Twins. Each as pretty as the other.
Manny: It's funny. Luke and I don't usually go for the same kind of girl.
Luke: Yeah. I like to describe my type as "gettable."
Quote from Cameron
Cameron: I'm gonna spice things up with a spirited game of dodgeball.
Principal Brown: Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.
Cameron: Okay, before you say "no"-
Principal Brown: I already said "no."
Cameron: Let me show you my whole bit. [cowboy accent] Howdy, folks. My name's Tucker. I'm the sheriff of Dodge Ball. Laugh, laugh, laugh. Then...
Quote from Gloria
Gloria: Hello, Mr. Ingram. I am Gloria Delgado-Pritchett, Manny's mother.
Mr. Ingram: Yes, of course. I just wanted to thank you so much. He thinks the world of you. You know, as a child of an immigrant, he can look at the world with such a fresh perspective. And talking about fresh, I brought you some empanadas.
Jay: Subtle.
Quote from Gloria
Gloria: And who knows? Maybe Manny's going to be the first Latino president.
Dr. Donna Duncan: Hello, Mr. Ingram. Dr. Donna Duncan, Wesley's mom. Just brought you a little thank-you for being his absolute favorite teacher ever.
Gloria: Those cupcakes are so white.
Dr. Donna Duncan: Thank you. Dr. Donna Duncan.
Gloria: I'm Gloria. We've met several times.
Dr. Donna Duncan: Oh, of course. Mario's mom.
Gloria: Manny.
Dr. Donna Duncan: And how is he fitting in now? Better? Anyway...
Quote from Jay
Jay: Don't be such a goody-goody. Taste it. It's older than you are.
Phil: I don't want any scotch.
Jay: Well, just smell it.
Phil: Fine.
Mr. Ingram: Mr. Dunphy, is that a flask?
Phil: No. It is. It- I... Uh, I was... It's his.
Jay: No, it's not.
Mr. Ingram: For the record, no alcohol is allowed on school premises.
Jay: For God's sake, Phil, it's 2:00 in the afternoon.
Quote from Alex
Dr. Clark: So, Alex, tell me why you're here.
Alex: I had a little meltdown last night, and I'm afraid it'll happen again but, this time, in the middle of the S.A.T.s or something.
Dr. Clark: Why do you think you melted down?
Alex: I'm stressed. It's my junior year. Part of me feels like the limbic system in my brain's a bit off. That's a thing, right? I did some research.
Dr. Clark: You know I charge the same even if you diagnose yourself?
Alex: I'm just trying to move this along. I have a lot to do.
Quote from Mitchell
Haley: Didn't you win some award?
Mitchell: Yes, yes. The State Bar Association Award for Sustained Excellence in the Field of Environmental-
Haley: Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the one.
Mitchell: Law. There was one word left. You didn't have to cut me off.
Quote from Jay
Phil: Come on. We're gonna be late for math.
Jay: I'm not going to any more boring classes.
Phil: You're just gonna cut?
Jay: No, I'm just not gonna go because I'm in my 60s. Teacher's lounge. They got a TV in here.
Phil: We can't go in the teacher's lounge.
Jay: Why not?
Phil: Um, it's for teachers only.
Jay: You're a teacher. Right now, you're teaching me how to be a little bitch.