Cameron: [aside to camera] There's a caste system at school: academic teachers at the top, gym teachers at the bottom. It's offensive and disrespectful. They treat us like we're lunch ladies.

Claire: [aside to camera] With Luke and Haley, I'm on top of everything because they aren't. But Alex is so self-sufficient, I just sort of put it in cruise control. I've fallen asleep at the wheel, and now my little genius is covered in cake.

Dr. Clark: Well, uh, this is a process. You know, it takes some time. [Alex sighs] What- What are you thinking?
Alex: Nothing.
Dr. Clark: No, no. Go ahead. Tell me.
Alex: That maybe you're not up for this. I mean, no offense. You're just a lot older than you look on your website. Did you even have S.A.T.s when you were in High School or Asian kids?
Dr. Clark: Oh, no. No, no, no. But there were other things I worried about: Spanish inquisition, sailing off the edge of the world, learning how to understand fire.
Alex: Sorry.

Phil: Okay, everybody. Cake time!
Alex: Thank God. I really have to study.
Claire: Oh, sweetheart, can't you just take a minute to enjoy it? It's your birthday. You put too much pressure on yourself.
Cameron: I remember my sweet 16. I wanted a theme party. "Moonstruck" had just come out, but I hadn't, so-
Alex: No stories, no time. S.A.T.s.

Alex: So, about my meltdown.
Phil: Who?
Claire: What meltdown?
Alex: I want to see a therapist. I did some research. Dr. Gregory Clark -- highly recommended, specializes in teenagers, and is covered by our insurance. I booked a double session with him today. And since you guys have the open house, I will be taking the bus.
Claire: Okay.
Phil: That sounds good. She's like a self-cleaning oven.

Gloria: I want to impress Manny's history teacher. I want Manny to go to Washington, D.C.
Manny: Yeah, junior congress. Only one kid in the whole grade gets picked to go. I think I can make a difference.
Jay: Regular congress can't even make a difference.

Jay: Hey, Phil. Where's Claire?
Phil: Oh, she's going to Alex's classes. I'm doing Luke's. I'm surprised to see you here. Isn't your team playing today?
Jay: Yeah. Gloria made me come. I think I'm recording the game, but, you know, you can never know. The last time, I got six hours of Bravo.

Dr. Clark: You mind if we try something?
Alex: What?
Dr. Clark: Just do me a favor. Take a deep breath. Great. Now what's on your mind?
Alex: Well, I just remembered that I forgot to charge my computer before I left and that I have to get new index cards before Monday. Hopefully they don't run out of the blue ones, because, for some reason, those help me study better. Maybe it's because they're easier to read or maybe my prescription's getting worse. I should probably make an appointment with the eye doctor. Also, should I get a job this summer or would an internship look better on my application? And what is up with Hillary? Is she going to run or not? I mean, I feel like she'd totally understand the feeling of being overwhelmed, but also like you're not doing enough at the same time.
Dr. Clark: Wow.

Luke: You've got to switch with me.
Manny: What? No, we can't do that.
Luke: They're twins. They'll never notice.
Manny: You realize we're not twins, right?

Mitchell: Hey, quick, turn off your car.
Haley: Why? It's in park, I think.
Mitchell: I have a judgey green neighbor. He had the nerve to come over here and tell me that I'm not green enough.
Haley: Shut up! You're super-green.
Mitchell: Thank you. I'm- I'm recycling a dollhouse. I even recycled a child.