Claire: Phil, what are you doing intruding on these two?
Phil: [chuckles] I just need to show Haley something in my office. I was doing a little cleaning, and I came across this old doll that used to mean a lot to her.
Haley: Can't you just get rid of the doll?
Phil: I started to, but it really seems like something you should do, you know, for closure.
Haley: You're right.
Claire: Wait. You need closure from a doll?
Arvin: That seems odd.
Haley: Well, I did sleep with that thing since I was like 16.
Phil: 16?
Arvin: 16?
Claire: Oh, no.
[aside to camera:]
Claire: Dylan.

Jay: Gloria, come here! You got to see this. She's on fire. Now, check this out. I can throw anything at her, and she can make comedy gold out of it. Here. Um... John Travolta in a submarine.
Sherry: Ow! Ow!
Jay: Yeah, because a submarine is small. [laughs] You were right, Gloria. She's hilarious. Do another one. Um... T. rex in a volleyball game. [laughing] Look at that. It's hard to spike with little arms.

Gloria: What is your game, old man?
Jay: Nothing. I'm loving this. My only fear is that she might hit it big and leave us.
Gloria: You think I'm an idiot? Nobody thinks that that is funny.
Jay: Be honest, you want her out of here more than I do.
Gloria: Okay, fine, but I don't want to be the mother that hates her son's girlfriend.
Jay: I don't want to be the villain anymore.
Gloria: But that's your job. I am the quiet and fun one.
Jay: Have you not heard her impression of you? It's dead-on. You want to get rid of her, you do it.
Gloria: I won't have to, because I can pretend that I like Sherry longer than you can. You will crack first.
Sherry: [Hispanic accent] You will crack first!
Gloria: Sherry, you cannot stay here.

Manny: Hey, I'm back! Guess what. All that calligraphy I've done for the dean paid off. He said you can stay with me.
Sherry: [voice breaking] Your mom just told me she hates me.
Manny: Mom, why would you say that?
Gloria: And scene!

Haley: Why can't I tell Dylan to leave?
Claire: Because you are scared of the first real, adult relationship with the perfect man, and you're clinging to the past.
Phil: Or you and Dylan have a special connection and you still love him.
Haley: Not helping. God, they're both such great guys, but they're so different. How am I supposed to choose? How did you guys do it?
Phil: Well, sweetheart, I... I'm not gonna be any help here. From the minute I met your mom, there was no choice. She was smart. She was strong. She resented her father just enough to go for a guy like me. She... She gave my life balance, and now I can't imagine it without her. Also, she's... she's crazy hot.
Haley: Mom?
Claire: Well, first of all, um, I'm a sucker for guys who say things like that. Your dad is the nicest, most positive person I know, and he always helps me find the fun in life. And, uh, he is still real easy on the peepers.
Phil: Aww. We really are lucky.

Cameron: I'm sorry the juicy trial didn't work out. Are you okay?
Mitchell: Yeah. I-I guess if I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't have told you to bite me.
Cameron: Weird how I just went along with that, no questions. Oh, and speaking of doing it all over again, do you ever regret having kids?
Mitchell: Of course not. I mean, do I sometimes look back and wish everything was different?
Cameron: If you say "yes," that is regret.
Mitchell: Then, no, because if we didn't have them I would be Trent, an uptight lunatic who falls apart over a broken tchotchke. I mean, kids give you perspective. You realize what's important, to let go of... [glass breaks, children giggle] And there goes our last nice thing.
Cameron: Thank God we're free now.