Phil: Behold, the unsellable house. Two years on the market, it's crushed the soul of every real-estate agent in town. Todd and Terry Taylor, the spouses selling houses - they're no longer either.

Phil: [aside to camera] I used to love going to work with my dad to his grocery store, Frank's Food Town. I got to watch him crack up the deli team by pretending to lose a finger, or he'd pull out an orange from the pyramid and somehow, it wouldn't fall. I don't care what the sign out front said. Savings wasn't king. My dad was.

Phil: [aside to camera] I remember one day, I was around Luke's age, and I wasn't all that happy to be at Food Town, but my dad knew exactly what to do. He gets on the P.A. and he says, "Attention, shoppers," and then he hands the mike to me. I was like, "What?" [chuckles] "Uh, Red Wing peanut butter - $1.69 for two." [laughs] He lost a lot of money on that sale, but it's a rush I'll never forget.

Claire: Oh! You all are still here.
Jay: How often do you break in here? Does that explain the white wine? We fired a cleaning lady.
Claire: Listen, I thought you guys would already be at Lily's soccer game, and things have been pretty emotional at my house this morning. I just wanted a couple hours by the pool.
Gloria: Claire must have left the ice bucket by the jacuzzi, too.
Claire: I will write the cleaning lady a letter.

Cameron: [aside to camera] As our history with costume parties has taught us, we shine brightest when we work as a team.
Mitchell: By late in the half, we had tied the score.
Cameron: Proving once again, the best offense is a good defense.
Mitchell: That's like saying the best hat is a shoe.

Luke: Hey, all y'all. What's going down?
Haley: My opinion of you. What's with the fake glasses?
Alex: As an actual glasses wearer, this is offensive. It's like non-disabled people who park in handicapped spaces.
Claire: I was in and out in three minutes, young lady, and it was your stye medication I was picking up. [to Luke] That's a lot of bracelets there, buddy.
Phil: Just ignore them. They're being sheep. If I'd listened to what other people said, I'd never have rocked my '90s frosted tips. We've got pictures.
Claire: No, we don't.

Claire: There she is, our little genius. Look at my conscientious little girl getting ready to leave for college a whole day early.
Alex: I'm leaving today.
Claire: What? No. No, no. No, no. We have a plan. I-I was gonna make your favorite meal for dinner, and then we were gonna fight because of separation anxiety, and then tomorrow morning, we would make up before you leave for good. I just- Oh!
Alex: No, no, guys, this is exactly why I didn't tell you!
Phil: But I can't take you. I have a showing. I was gonna burn a CD of goodbye songs for the ride.
Alex: I have never felt better about a decision.

Claire: I am so proud of you, and I know you're gonna achieve great things in this world, and I just read about this new nail polish that changes colors if you dip it in a drink that has a roofie-
Alex: Next.
Luke: I'm good.
Alex: All right, cool. Well, I will text you guys when I get there.
Claire: I'm taking his five seconds.

French man: Is there a way to make the room not so cold?
French woman: Do you know what it's like to wake up next to your husband one morning and he's cold as ice?
Widow: Yes. [sobbing]
Mitchell: Yeah, I'll work on that while you eat breakfast.
Cameron: Did you make the French toast?
Mitchell: Yes, it's right on the counter.
Cameron: That's French toast.
Mitchell: What's happening?
Cameron: I wanted regular toast for the French people.
Mitchell: Surely there was a better way to describe that.
Cameron: He's allergic to eggs, Mitchell. Okay, w-why did you eat that? Why- Why did he eat that?

Phil: It's like being on a submarine, right? [laughs] You guys, uh, fans of Tom Clancy? Oh, uh, you know what? Luke'll finish the tour. It's the office.
Luke: It's not ringing.
Phil: This is your moment. [pretend answering phone] Hello?
Luke: Follow me, I guess.
Elderly Homebuyer: How did we get on the second floor?
Phil: Isn't it great? There's an imperceptible rise. So you guys can either reverse course or take turns sliding down the fireman's pole. Luke'll show you.