Jay: I got you mustard and Sauerkraut, just what you like.
Claire: You're being awfully nice, considering I started that whole closet-nado.
Jay: Well, you're still my daughter. It's okay I call you that here, right?
Claire: Yeah.
Jay: Listen, it's hard for me to treat you like everyone else. You're the only one I carried home in my arms. Except Dontrell, last year's Christmas party. I pretty much poured him through his sunroof. But I'll try.

Dylan: Hey, we should see a midnight movie tonight, like old times.
Haley: Oh, my God. I am so in!
Dylan: Cool. Cool. I'll come by your house around 11:30 with the ladder?
Haley: I don't need to climb out of my window anymore, Dylan.

Claire: So, I finally get out of the closet, and there's dad looking down at me.
Mitchell: Been there.
Mitchell: The whole daddy thing, though, it's really one of your bigger issues.
Claire: At least my daddy issues are with my actual daddy. I don't run around making every authority figure I meet into a father.

Claire: Mitchell, come on. Why have you not quit your job yet?
Mitchell: His girlfriend just broke up with him.
Claire: Yeah, and what was your excuse last week?
Mitchell: I had a cold.
Claire: And the week before?
Mitchell: I felt a cold coming on.

Lily: You made me in trouble.
Gloria: I didn't tell you to sit on a boy until he liked you.
Lily: Yes-huh.
Gloria: Nuh-huh.
Lily: We're not doing this again.

Claire: Oh, honey. What happened to you today?
Phil: A cosmic pummeling. I lost the deal. If I don't close on one tomorrow, it's gonna be my first month ever with no sale.
Claire: Actually, there is no 31st this month.
Phil: What are you talking about?
Claire: Tomorrow's the first. Honey, I'm sorry. Are you okay?
Phil: No, I'm not okay! I just found out there is literally no tomorrow! You know, I always say if you wait long enough, your luck will change? Turns out that's just a big pile of c-

Phil: They scored on my play!
Charlie Bingham: Mitchell says you can sell me a house.
Phil: Yes, I can!
Jay: Good call, Phil. Was that your play?!
Phil: Yes, it was!
Gloria: You're being too rough, Lily. You cannot just see a guy and, mwah!, kiss him like that, okay?
Phil: Yes, you can! Yes, you can!

Haley: Oh, hey, what's that?
Alex: "Alex Dunphy dome?"
Haley: Uh, I think it says "Alex Dunphy, do me." Ugh, who would write something like that?
Alex: No idea.
Haley: Hey, you want me to scratch it out?
Alex: No! I mean, pfft, too late now. If it's out there, it's out there.

Phil: Just sold the most expensive house in town, sight unseen, all cash. How 'bout that?
Haley: I'm proud of you, dad.
Phil: Pretty great day for all the Dunphys.
Alex: [on the phone] And then I said, "Michelle, do you honestly believe every stupid rumor you hear?" Oh, you haven't heard? Well, apparently, one of my exes is just, like...
Claire: [on the phone] Tim, I- I am so sorry that you got hurt, and I will get to the bottom of it, but I suspect it was sabotage by the competition. Maybe Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets.
Luke: [on the phone] Not too bad, a little puffy, kind of like your eyes were when you saw "Finding Nemo," Miller.
Phil: Like I said, positive attitude.

Cameron: Oh, hey, Luke, Reuben's sick, so I'm gonna need you to be the announcer today.
Luke: How am I supposed to keep score and announce at the same time?
Miller: Same way you're a spaz and a dork at the same time, spork.
Cameron: Okay, lose the attitude, but keep that intensity.