Gloria: What happened?
Haley: Well, my last pair of jeans exploded, I can't wear skirts because my thighs are growing hair faster than I can shave it, so I'm wearing ski pants to my own baby shower.
Dylan: I'm telling you, no one's even gonna notice.
Haley: Oh... [walks away]
Phil: What's that sound? It's like when the doors on the starship Enterprise open.

Manny: Hello, Phillip.
Phil: Hello, Manuel.
[aside to camera:]
Manny: Against my better judgment, I wrote a part for Phil in my new movie. Things got heated, words were exchanged, which is surprising, considering he had a mouthful of scenery. Actors.
[separately to camera:]
Phil: Writers. They think they're so great. "Oh, my words are so precious." Try listening for once. Maybe you'll learn how humans actually talk. Wait, is it... is it "talk" or "speak"? Oh, that's right. No one cares!

Cameron: Hello, hello. I'm here for the Super Bowl.
Mitchell: And I am here for the baby shower.
Cameron: Okay, yep.
Lily: I'm here for some sort of punishment, I think.

Gloria: He is. Lily, you're very lucky to have such a wise papa. Assistant District Attorney Pritchett is a hero.
Claire: Huh. So this one thinks you're cool now?
Mitchell: Okay, Gloria loves crime stories, especially women who kill their husbands. And I recently prosecuted the Bel Air Black Widow. She came to court every single day.
[flashback:]
Juror: We find the defendant guilty.
Gloria: Yes! Whoop, whoop!
Bel Air Black Widow: Hey, Counselor. This isn't over.
Mitchell: Lady, you're like me in high school, cause you ain't gonna be coming out for years!
Gloria: Boom goes the dynamite!

Alex: There you are. I'm sorry you're having a bad day, uh... but I thought you should know, I invited Danielle.
Haley: Danielle? Ugh, she's so annoying. Everything she says sounds like a question? But it's not?
Alex: Yeah, but she's in her, like, thousandth month of pregnancy.
Haley: Oh, my God. That means I won't be the grossest preggo here. Bless you.

Claire: So, I'm just gonna repurpose some of this hair to cover the bald spot and zits...
Haley: Zits?!
Claire: And "zits" gonna look amazing. Ta da!
Haley: Ta da?!
Claire: Yeah.
Haley: I have a huge gut and a comb-over. I look like a divorced dentist.

Claire: Okay. So, Dylan misunderstood a bunch of the things he heard us say, got upset, and ran off.
Alex: Let's not pretend this was some mistake or Dylan being oversensitive. We've all given him plenty of reasons to feel unwelcome in this family.
Phil: And some of us do have a meanness. I'll leave it at that. A monstrous cruelty. Enough said. Sadistic.

Danielle: My family is really chill?
Alex: Ugh. You were a mistake.

Manny: So, the one person who might know where Dylan went, Haley, is the one person who can't know he's missing. That's what I call a dramatic situation.
Phil: [chuckles] Shouldn't you be directing the life out of it?

Alex: Joe, where does Dylan like to go when he's depressed?
Gloria: Alex, he likes him, but it's not like...
Joe: Park, pet store, guitar shop. What? I follow his Instagram. He finds beauty in the mundane.