Claire: Luke to the 14th, Haley gets a day there.
Phil: Come on. That's it, Beautiful Mind. Harness that crazy into something positive.
Claire: Shh! If I can get Alex to move her Habitat for Humanity from Oklahoma to Sacramento and Luke to move his camp session, they will both overlap with Haley's vacation, and I just bought us seven kid-free days.
Phil: Witchcraft!
Claire: Yes.

Manny: I've been reading up on some of those tropical diseases: malaria, yellow fever, rabies. I'm high risk, Jay. I'm a big hand shaker.
Jay: You're fine. You've had all your shots. And that Paco Rabanne will scare away any mosquitoes.

Manny: Hey, Cam. Congratulations. Go, gay marriage.
Joe: [spits up]
Lily: He did it again.
Gloria: Ay, sí.
Cameron: Okay. Well...

Gloria: Ay, I wish I also had a romantic story. One day, we were watching TV before dinner, and Jay says, "Manny, hand me that thing." And Manny gives him the ring. I mean, I was very happy, of course, but it is not the best story. At least Javier was on top of a dolphin.

Claire: Tonight, you cook him his favorite meal. You open the best bottle of wine. And just as the two of you are sitting down to enjoy it, you break up with him.
Mitchell: What? Why?
Claire: Because then, as he is at his lowest, you pop the question. He goes from agony to ecstasy! It's so romantic.
Mitchell: You're kidding, right?
Claire: More traditional? Okay. All right. You look into his eyes And you say, "I saw a doctor. He found a small dark mass."
Mitchell: What are you?
Claire: And then just as he begins to cry, you pull out a black box with a ring in it. There's your small dark mass! It's genius!
Mitchell: Y- You're a disaster.
Claire: You could go the disaster route, too. Did you ever hear how I told Phil we were gonna have Luke? I said, "Thousands of children die every day..."

Carly: Oh, hi, Mr. Dunphy. Sorry we moved the furniture around. I was showing Luke the flip I did at tumbling sectionals. Oh, no. That's my mom. But I can leave you guys this old movie I brought over. It's called "Dirty Dancing."
Phil: [to Luke] Never let her go.

Jay: Okay, let's go. Gloria, better say goodbye here. He's got to hurry to get through security.
Gloria: But there's no line.
Jay: For now. A senior tour bus just pulled up. You know how much private wanding that is? Half their skeletons are metal.

Mitchell: [on the phone] Is everything set up?
Claire: You said two hours. We haven't even left yet.
Mitchell: Well, hurry!
Claire: Just stall. Tell him that Haley had a hemorrhage, and you're her blood type, so you-
Mitchell: I'm not doing that, you ghoul.

Gloria: I got the picnic basket. But you know what is going to be hard to find?
Jay: My interest in this whole damn thing?
Gloria: No, the blue-and-white tablecloth.
Lily: Here it is. It was in the occasions closet.
Jay: They keep their tools in a pillowcase, but they have an occasions closet?

Claire: What are you guys doing here?
Gloria: Oh. Cam is going to propose to Mitch, so we're here to help him set it up.
Phil: That is coconuts! Mitchell asked us to do the same thing for him.
Claire: Well, that just makes me want to stay and see how this whole thing works out.
Phil: Oh, we can. Let's set it up and then we'll hide somewhere.
Gloria: Ay, yes, in the occasion closet.
Jay: No. We do what they asked and leave. We never had these problems. This is what happens when they let men marry men. [Joe spits up] That cannot be a coincidence!