Cameron: [aside to camera] I was nervous. I mean, there was a lot of different food on the menu, and on the floor, and on the wall.
Mitchell: Uh- Are we- Are we sure we're not exaggerating just a little bit?
Cameron: Were you there, Mitchell? Because I think I would have recognized the only other white or gay person. I'd already offended Gloria once. Not gonna do it again.

Waiter: So, carnitas diablos.
Gloria: Ah, you remember.
Waiter: Claro.
Cameron: Um, I'll just have the same thing.
Waiter: No, no, no. You should have the chicken enchiladas.
Cameron: No, I'll have the carnitas diablos.
Waiter: These are not for you.
Cameron: Excuse me?
Waiter: They're too spicy. Miss Gloria's used to it.
Gloria: Yeah, he's right.
Cameron: I can spice you under the table any day there, sweet thing. Dos carnitas diablos, por favor.

Mitchell: Dad, can we- Can we just go home, please?
Jay: You've got to air out first before I let you in that car. I'll never get the stink out.

Gloria: He was one of the best boyfriends I ever had.
Cameron: But he was gay.
Gloria: Yeah. I figured that out after the first month- And I stayed for a whole year because the haircuts were fantastic!

Cameron: I just need to get a bit of a drink of something.
Gloria: No, no, no! Cameron, the water makes it so worse. No!
Cameron: Excuse me. Excuse me. Oh, you're right. That does make it worse. Oh- I feel like I ate the sun!

Claire: I asked you to do one thing- stay on top of Luke.
Phil: For your information, your son is hard at work on an awesome van Gogh- [trips] Gotta fix that! - Masterpiece. Wait'll you see. You're gonna be so surprised.
Claire: Oh, God, honey. I want nothing more than to be surprised, really.
[Claire opens Luke's bedroom door to find him playing with a Mr. Potato Head]

Gloria: The restaurant had nothing to do with you. I was just not in the mood to go anywhere that fancy after the stupid thing I did this morning.
Cameron: What did you do?
Gloria: I bought a dress.
Cameron: You monster.
Gloria: Ay. It was a very expensive dress that I don't need. I felt so stupid that when I got home, I couldn't even bring it inside the house. I left it in the car.
Cameron: I totally get it. I have a legendary hat story. I'll bet you look fabulous in that dress.
Gloria: Yes, but anyone would look fabulous in that dress.
[cut to:]
Jay: You find that blanket?
Mitchell: No. This was all I could find. Shut up!
Jay: Really shows off your shape.

Manny: [to Mitchell] Spin around, cupcake. Let's see the caboose!
Jay: You get fries with that shake? [to Manny] Was that too far?
Manny: There's a line, Jay.

Jay: I'm sorry if things got a little out of hand back there, but in our defense, look at you. [chuckling] I mean, smell you.
Mitchell: This is a fantastic apology.
Jay: Oh, don't be too hard on the kid. I was egging him on. You're gonna be mad, be mad at me.
Mitchell: Done!
Jay: I was just happy to see him laugh a little bit. You know, he's had kind of a tough week.
Mitchell: I got sprayed by a skunk, and I'm wearing a dress that makes my hips look huge.
Jay: I know he doesn't want me to talk about it, but he didn't get invited to this big party. Some kids he thought were his friends think he's weird. Now, you know me on this. I'm no- I'm no good at it. You know, I- I never know what to say.
Mitchell: That's true.
Jay: But maybe I raised a kid who would know what to say. That's the only reason I invited him along- You know, because this astronomy stuff, that's- That's our thing.

Cameron: You know, I always had a sense it was dangerous down here, but I guess it's actually kind of charming, isn't it?
Gloria: No, it's not safe at all. I used to live down here, you know.
Cameron: What?
Gloria: Yeah, that's why I come down here. Look there. That was my old apartment. After I left Javier, that's all I could afford. It's still part of me. You have to remember those things, like you when you go to your farm.
Cameron: You remember that? I told you that a year ago.
Gloria: Of course I do. You're my friend, you big idiot.