Phil: Come on, which civilization invented the alphabet?
Haley: I don't know.
Phil: Which civilization invented the alphabet?
Haley: I don't know.
Phil: Yes, you do. We've been over this a hundred times.
Luke: Allow me, Dad. I'm a great teacher. Who invented the alphabet?
Haley: I don't know.
Phil: Luke!
Haley: I got soaked! What are you doing?
Luke: Say it! Say it!
Phil: Luke, that's enough.
Haley: Oh, my God! I don't know! I don't know! The Phoenicians! The Phoenicians!
Phil: That's right.
Luke: Teacher of the year.
Phil: She's all yours, buddy.

Cameron: Mitchell, there's a stranger in our hot tub.
Mitchell: Who is it?
Cameron: You do know what "stranger" means, don't you?
Mitchell: Oh, my G- Oh, my God! How long has he been there?
Cameron: I saw him exactly one second before you. You know everything I know.
Mitchell: Okay, I'm calling 911.
Cameron: I'm getting my bat.
[The young man in the hot tub stands up to reveal six-pack abs]
Mitchell: Maybe we're overreacting.
Cameron: He could have a very good reason.
Mitchell: We should at least say hello.
Cameron: It's only polite.

Haley: Mom, what are you doing? Why are you being such a freak?
Claire: I am being a freak for safety. And I'm doing this for you because I don't want anything bad to happen to you.
Haley: Well, it's embarrassing. Mom, you need a life. Why can't you just volunteer at the museum or bring pudding to old people?

Claire: [to Haley] Honey, if anybody's being embarrassing right now, it's you.
Phil: [through megaphone] Luke, I am your father.
Claire: That takes me back to the delivery room.
Phil: That's what I said to you when you were coming out of your mom's lady parts.
Haley: Oh, my God, Dad!

Manny: There's a bunch of cool kids who ride their bikes every day. Thought I'd join them.
Jay: Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What the hell is that?
Manny: My new bike. Mom got it for me yesterday. Pretty sweet, huh?
Jay: It's got training wheels.
Manny: Nice ones. Custom-made. They don't usually come on bikes this size.
Jay: Gloria!
Manny: What's wrong?
Jay: You don't know how to ride a bike?
Manny: I know how to ride this bike.
Jay: Stephen Hawking could ride that bike.

Mitchell: Brutal day. I just wanna sit.
Cameron: Perfect. Lily's asleep. Barry's meeting us in the hot tub. If you're feeling stressed, he can give you a treatment.
Mitchell: Ah, that's all right. I have an appointment with Dr. Bigfoot tomorrow.
Cameron: Okay, here comes the judge.
Mitchell: Reiki is a bunch of nonsense, Cam. That guy's a nut.
Cameron: You do this every time. We meet a new friend. They say one thing you don't like and you just write 'em off.
Mitchell: I do not.
Cameron: Oh, really? What about "But yet" Rachel?
Mitchell: "I'd love to go, but yet I don't feel like parking." It's either "but" or "yet," not both.
Cameron: You're lucky no one's kicked your butt yet.

Claire: Phil, honey, I need your help.
Phil: With what?
Claire: What is the one thing a speeder can't outrun?
Luke: Ooh. Bullets. A laser. Oh, I know. A falcon. Dad, jump in.
Phil: Not a good time.
Luke: A laser-falcon.

Barry: I just wanna let you guys know you got a sprinkler head that's leaking out there.
Mitchell: Thanks, Barry. I'll let the gardener know.
Barry: All right. Or maybe I can just wave my hands over it and heal it that way. I'm joking.
Mitchell: Oh. Oh, God! That was a good one.
Barry: Look, don't worry about it. As soon as I started talking about Reiki I could tell you thought I might be a little nutty.
Mitchell: Ah. Was I that obvious?
Barry: You roll your eyes a lot.
Mitchell: I know. It's true. It's true though. I once saw a picture of myself at a friend's poetry slam and all you could see were the whites of my eyes. Yeah, I looked like Little Orphan Annie. The cartoon.

Jay: [aside to camera] I've seen the kid fall down on that moving sidewalk at the airport so I didn't have high hopes. But what do you know, the kid was a natural. Gloria, on the other hand, was a natural disaster.

Gloria: [aside to camera] The problem wasn't me. It was Jay. He's a very bad teacher. Very bossy. I don't respond to that. I need somebody gentle, nurturing like a woman.
[cut to:]
Phil: Hey, Gloria. What's up?
Gloria: Can you teach me how to ride a bike?
Phil: You can't ride a bike? I love that about you. I was beginning to think you didn't have any flaws. Listen, I wish I could, but I'm late for an open house.