‘Sex, Lies & Kickball’
Season 9, Episode 4 - Aired October 18, 2017
When Jay's best friend, Shorty, stays at the house after coming back from Costa Rica, Jay is upset as his friend spends more time with Gloria and seems to be avoiding him. Alex is fed up of Claire not taking her boyfriend Ben seriously. Meanwhile, Pepper and Ronaldo's boy, Lionel, stays with Cameron and Mitchell, who take issue with their friends parenting style.
Quote from Mitchell
Cameron: Look, if he said Lily's lucky to be here, then he's clearly unhappy at Pepper and Ronaldo's.
Mitchell: I mean, w-what kid wouldn't be? I mean, that house is so sterile. Do you remember when Pepper got made at me and he laid down plastic before throwing a drink in my face?
Quote from Cameron
Pepper: No, I'm deflecting! I feel the sickening threat of brutal honesty, I feel the sickening threat of brutal honesty, and I'm wildly uncomfortable.
Cameron: Okay, well, here goes. We think it's great that you adopted Lionel, but... [Pepper and Ronaldo gasp] Okay, a little early for that reaction. I haven't even gotten to say, I haven't even gotten to say, "Stop imposing your fancy ways on that poor child." And hit it. [both gasp]
Quote from Pepper
Mitchell: Anyway, um, part of parenting is exposing your children to things that you value. You know, art and culture and good food.
Ronaldo: That's exactly what we're doing.
Cameron: But it's also about letting them figure out who they are, doing things that they want to do even though you don't like 'em.
Mitchell: Yeah, he's a kid. He doesn't want opera at bedtime and caviar on his eggs. He... He wants to play ball and eat Cheetos.
Pepper: Well, I did see him spit some sashimi into a napkin, but I hoped he was just worried about his weight.
Quote from Pepper
Lionel: Just so you know, I don't care about kickball or Popsicles or any of that stuff. I like how we live.
Pepper: You do?
Ronaldo: Lionel, don't feel pressured to say that if you don't mean it.
Lionel: I mean it. Backgammon in the study, cheese from France, not a cheetah in sunglasses.
Pepper: Lionel, you're melting my heart.
Ronaldo: Mine, too, you perfect boy.
Quote from Cameron
Mitchell: You told Lily that she was lucky to live with us. Remember?
Lionel: I was trying to make her feel better. I got so much, and she got... They give her haircuts at home.
Cameron: Okay, I took a class.
Quote from Alex
Alex: [aside to camera] Sex painting on the wall means Alex was in her head. [wagging her finger] And I wasn't planning on leaving anytime soon. I don't know where that came from.
Quote from Shorty
Jay: Hey, fella. What happened in there?
Shorty: I'm a fraud, Jay. I'm a damn fraud.
Jay: Come on. We all cry at weird stuff. For me, it's when boxers hug after a fight.
Shorty: It's not the crying I'm worried about. You were right. You said I would lose everything if I went to Costa Rica, and I did.
Jay: What are you talking about? I-I-I thought you were a big juice magnate.
Shorty: Lies! It's all lies, Jay! I'm not no juice magnate. I had a juice stand, and things were okay... until these monkeys got a hold of my knives. The lawyer says I can't talk about it. Then Darlene takes off with this honcho in zip lines and leaves me. That's why I've been avoiding you. I'm a disgusting loser!
Jay: Who are you talking to? You don't need to be embarrassed.
Shorty: But you said, "Don't come crying to me when it all turns to hell and I have to pick up the pieces." You said that!
Jay: It's just what you say. Of course I'm gonna pick up the pieces. What else would I do? You're my best friend.
Shorty: And you're my best friend, damn it.
Quote from Gloria
Gloria: Manny, open the door. I know you're in there.
Manny: Mom, what are you doing here?
Gloria: I know that you said that you wanted your space, but it's so hard on me, okay? So I want a text message at the end of every day telling me that you're okay, and three times a week, a picture of your face so that I can look into your eyes and see if you're lying to me.
Manny: Mother, we texted yesterday morning.
Gloria: No, we didn't. That was days ago.
Manny: Yesterday, at 8:37A.M., you asked if I got your care package and said, "Don't tell Jay I gave you a sausage," then you accidentally hit voice memo and I heard you tell Stella to go in the yard and die.
Gloria: I'm sorry. I just miss you.
Manny: I guess it's not so terrible if you stop on by every now and then.