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Sex, Lies & Kickball

‘Sex, Lies & Kickball’

Season 9, Episode 4 -  Aired October 18, 2017

When Jay's best friend, Shorty, stays at the house after coming back from Costa Rica, Jay is upset as his friend spends more time with Gloria and seems to be avoiding him. Alex is fed up of Claire not taking her boyfriend Ben seriously. Meanwhile, Pepper and Ronaldo's boy, Lionel, stays with Cameron and Mitchell, who take issue with their friends parenting style.

Quote from Pepper

Mitchell: Hi, Lionel, it's nice meeting you.
Lily: Hey. Cool shirt.
Ronaldo: It's a basketball costume.
Lionel: Jersey.
Ronaldo: Jersey. Right. Like "Jersey Boys."
Pepper: Okay, somebody fix me a drink. We just got cheeseburgers out of a window and ate in our car. Do we have to disclose that when we sell it?

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Quote from Jay

Jay: Hey, let's have breakfast at my club today. We do a thing on Friday called "Yesterday's Potatoes." They take last night's French fries and make 'em into today's home fries, and last night's fries were fantastic.

Quote from Pepper

Cameron: You're terrible parents. [Pepper gasps]
Mitchell: Okay, so, I guess we are saying something.
Cameron: All right. Time for some tough love, boys.
Pepper: Oh, goodness, we feared you two might be into that sort of thing, but we're gonna have to pass.
Mitchell: Oh, you can't possibly think that's what he meant.

Quote from Pepper

Cameron: All right, who's up next?
Mitchell: Pepper!
Pepper: Oh. How many scenes does kickball have?

Quote from Jay

Jay: You come to town and you don't tell me? I ought to punch you in the neck, you son of a bitch.
Shorty: Jay!
Gloria: I want to kick you in the knee, you stupid idiot!
Jay: That might not be a thing.

Quote from Joe

Jay: You're a terrible best friend.
Shorty: Don't yell at me. I'm only here a couple of days. It was last-minute. I was gonna call. This Joe? You're huge.
Joe: Eh, I can be bigger.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Stop squirming, Phil. I'm never gonna get this paint on you.
Phil: Okay, I'll do you. You're gonna be so gold, you'll like an Oscar. So many people to thank.

Quote from Phil

Claire: [answering phone] Hi, honey. Everything okay?
Alex: Yeah, I'm just, uh, letting you know I'm sleeping at home tonight.
Claire: Uh, h-how far away are you?
Alex: About 20 minutes.
Phil: Oh, that leaves 10 minutes for cleanup.

Quote from Mitchell

Lily: What's been going on with you lately? You look so handsome.
Cameron: Oh, well, thank you, sweetie. You know what, I added a serum step to my skin-care regimen. W-Wait a minute. You're just angling for horseback-riding lessons, aren't you?
Lily: Come on!
Mitchell: No. You're not gonna become one of those over-scheduled kids that burns out at thirteen and wears combat boots to the beach.
Lily: I'm the least-busy Asian kid in my school.
Cameron: Great. Take the other end of this sheet and help me make up the bed for Lionel.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: [aside to camera] It seemed like a bit of a rocky start, but Pepper said it's going well. Parenting does change you. You know, before Lily, I could be so dramatic.
Mitchell: Oh, and I used to be so uptight.
Cameron: But look at us now. [flails hands about] Oh, sorry.
Mitchell: Okay, your hand almost went in my mouth.

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