Stefi: Admission has gotten tougher. Only about 4 out of 10 applicants get accepted.
Luke: Ugh.
Phil: You've beaten worse odds than that. We forgot to get you vaccinated till you were 6.

Phil: Hey. I got us a campus map, and look at this my old college frat has a chapter here! By legacy rights, I'm entitled to use the main-floor bathroom and sign out a Frisbee.

Phil: [aside to camera] Luke and I, Gloria, and Manny are going on a college tour! Safety school for Manny, long shot for Luke, which hasn't been great for his self-esteem. Luckily, as a former cheerleader, I haven't lost my gift for lifting spirits. Though I can no longer make an N with my body.

Gloria: Guys, come look! I did something very bad. Manny is taking a nap, so I put a pig-a-let in the bed!
Luke: Oh, my God. Where'd you get that?
Gloria: You remember those farmers that we met? You'll be surprised what they'll do for a couple of big tips.
Phil: What did you hear?
Manny: [pig snorting] Aah! Whoa! What is that?!
Gloria: It's a pig-a-let! Man, you should see your face!
Manny: Ohh, it licked my face! Why would you do this?
Gloria: Aye, Manny, don't be so uptight! I'm preparing you for college so that you fit in and make some friends. I took the idea from watching "The Animal House," "The Old School" movie-
Manny: College is about higher education, not pranks.
Gloria: Nerd!

Alex: Hey! Get back here! You don't even know it's her. You're basing this off of the back of the head of someone you saw in the dark.
Haley: That may be how you recognize your old boyfriends, but-
Cameron: Excuse me. As much as I admire that and do intend on using it on Mitchell without giving you any credit, there is a line.

Stefi: The university boasts many noted graduates research scientists, journalists, and one pretty well-known playwright.
Mitchell: Wow. "Pretty well-known?" Imagine how many cookies they could have sold if they called them "Pretty Well-Known Amos's."

Haley: Just go ask her if she was at the recital, and then tell her off if she says yes.
Cameron: No, I can't, because if it's her, she'll sense confrontation coming and deny it. People can always tell when I'm in attack mode.
Haley: Mm, flared nostrils?
Cameron: No.
Alex: Vein in your forehead?
Haley: Blotchy neck?
Cameron: No! You know what, and just a head's up, you both are turning into your mother.

Dede: So, 1986, we were just coming back from my sister Bebe's wedding when I first had my dream about murdering you.

Claire: Mitchell has a funny story that doesn't open old wounds about Cam at a dance recital. He got so mad, didn't he, Mitchell? Tell them!
Mitchell: So mad.
Jay: That wasn't '86. That was '87. The reason we were late was because of that damn Hands Across America that you made me do.
Dede: Hands was '86, and you thanked me afterwards because you got to hold hands with someone that was holding hands with Willie Nelson.
Jay: What the hell was that whole thing about, anyway? Hunger? Hand somebody a sandwich in San Francisco and you pass it on down the line till some bum gets ahold of it in Boston?

Phil: Check it out!
Luke: A bell?
Phil: Not just a bell. A series of bells fed into an ingenious instrument known as a carillon. I monkied around with one back in the day. A cutie named Gretchen took me up to her belfry and showed me some moves, which I now realize sounds sexual.
Luke: Not really. You talk like this a lot.
Phil: The point is, Gretchen got a full ride treading bells like these.