Minister: And do you have anything prepared?
Sal: Hit me, baby.
Tony: I made out with a stripper last night. Sorry. I just wanna start this clean.
Sal: I made out with a bartender an hour ago.
Tony: You're not just saying that to make me feel better, are you?
Sal: Back me up. Didn't I?
Mitchell: She totally did.

Jay: I was just coming to see you.
Shorty: Um, I left my jacket.
Jay: Oh! There it is! Come on in. Uh, Shorty, you know that stuff I said, uh-
Shorty: Yeah, I get it.
Jay: We're good, huh?
Shorty: Under the bridge. All right. I'll see you.

Sal: This is little Sammy.
Cameron: Aw! This is as long as you've ever been in our house without a cocktail.
Sal: No, thank you. Just a water, please. [all gasp] Okay, everybody, drop your pearls. I'm still breast-feeding. All the books say do it at least a year.

Cameron: Sal! Oh, well, you're back.
Sal: What the hell are you four doing?
Mitchell: You walked out and left your baby without saying a word so maybe we'll be asking the questions.
Sal: I told John-John where I was going.
Mitchell: The drunkest guy at the party.
Sal: Excuse me for not wanting to interrupt your fierce debate "Who's hotter, Mr. Clean or the Brawny paper towel man?"

Sal: Cameron, Mitchell, what a pleasant surprise.
Mitchell: Sal, you okay? You seem not yourself.
Cameron: Yeah, I feel like you used to blink.
Sal: I took your advice. Called Werner. Told him I wasn't going to settle.
Mitchell: How did that- [glass shatters] How how did that go?
Sal: He was thinking that we might be something special, and then I gave him the ultimatum, and he said, "Maybe we're not actually meant to be."
Mitchell: I don't know what's happening. S-Sal, w-what are you doing? Straightening up.
Sal: You know, a place for everything-
Mitchell: No.
Sal: Everything in its place.
Haley: Hey, what about this?
Sal: This was actually salvaged from the Bismarck. [kicks it into the sea]

Sal: That cold water woke me up to the hard truth I'm smart, I'm beautiful, I'm legendary in bed,
Cameron: Okay.
Sal: Yet I do settle. I mean, Werner is not good enough for me. I mean, I get why you two idiots settled. This is the best you're gonna do, right here. You're perfectly matched.
Both: Aww.
Cameron: Well, it's kind of sweet when you look at it that way.
Mitchell: Yeah. We are very lucky.
Cameron: Happy Valentine's Day.
Mitchell: Yeah, happy Valentine's Day.
Sal: Shut up. Read a room, poofs.

Cameron: No! Her water broke!
Sal: No! No, it did not! I am barely pregnant! Thank you all for being here on this joyous occasion. There once was a homo named Tucker-
Mitchell: Sal, stop. No, you're going into labor!
Cameron: Also, just stop!