‘Royal Visit’
Season 9, Episode 17 - Aired March 28, 2018
When Haley's brilliant astrophysicist boyfriend comes for dinner, Claire and Phil compete to see which one of them is smarter. Alex is nervous about the family meeting her firefighter boyfriend, Bill. Jay and Gloria feel inferior alongside the fit and adventurous parents of Joe's friend. When Mitchell and Cameron attend a yoga retreat, Cam sneaks out to see the Kansas City Royals, who are training next door.
Quote from Phil
Luke: "Who wrote 'Moby Dick'?"
Phil: Herman Munster. Herman Munster.
Claire: Herman Melville.
Phil: Melville!
Quote from Claire
Luke: "This Paul Newman character had a 'cool hand'?"
Claire: Luke!
Luke: Yep.
Claire: Counts! Counts.
Quote from Jay
Joe: Henry's dad climbed the wall with one hand! It was awesome!
Jay: Yeah, well, his career rides on Matt Damon not doing any artsy, think-y movies, so I wouldn't count on Henry going to your school much longer.
Quote from Jay
Gloria: Okay, get down and don't move.
Jay: That's gonna be tough. I can smell Cinnabon.
Quote from Cameron
Mitchell: Where have you been?
Cameron: Oh, hey. I just stayed in the tank a little a little extra. How- What a great experience. Just being alone with yourself-
Mitchell: Oh, I was never alone. I-I saw the face of every bully, I replayed every humiliation-
Cameron: Is this about "Bett" Davis again? Okay, we had just watched "Ruthless People". You're thinking Midler. You gotta let it go.
Quote from Cameron
Mitchell: You have a farmer's tan.
Cameron: What have I told you about that expression? I can say it
Mitchell: Oh, my- T-t-t That's why you're burned. You went Royal watching!
Cameron: I was only gonna stay for a second, but George Brett George George Brett cornered me. And you know how I am with famous people. I can't say "No". Remember when I spent the entire day at the pool with Downtown Julie Brown?
Mitchell: You shamed me into coming here only to leave me soaking in a bowl of trauma soup?
Quote from Cameron
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: It was amazing. There were no words, but I could feel Cam taking full responsibility for our fight.
[separably to camera:]
Cameron: Total silence, but Mitchell's eyes said, "It's all on me". You know, "I was wrong. What would I do without you?" It was a beautiful weekend. Plus, George Brett signed my ball. [chuckles] Oh, "To Cam, all my best wishes, George Brett. P.S. We are not done with this"? Mitchell! Did you write on my ball?!
Quote from Phil
Claire: Today our whole goal was to impress you. We made fools of ourselves.
Phil: I have a magic shop that's bleeding money. Thousands.
Claire: What?
Phil: It's fine.
Quote from Jay
Joe: I can't wait to tell everyone how cool you guys are!
Jay: We're not cool, Joe. That's not what people do when a policeman pulls them over. In fact, there's nothing cool about us.
Gloria: Well, I don't think we should be lumped into [siren chirps]
Jay: Lights! Joe, there are more important things than being cool.
Joe: Uh, like what?
Jay: Look, the point is, Joe, we love you too much to let you think dumb moves like this are okay.
Joe: So, what do we do now?
Jay: We're gonna do the right thing. [later:] Officer! Uh... Where's Cinnabon?