‘Royal Visit’
Season 9, Episode 17 - Aired March 28, 2018
When Haley's brilliant astrophysicist boyfriend comes for dinner, Claire and Phil compete to see which one of them is smarter. Alex is nervous about the family meeting her firefighter boyfriend, Bill. Jay and Gloria feel inferior alongside the fit and adventurous parents of Joe's friend. When Mitchell and Cameron attend a yoga retreat, Cam sneaks out to see the Kansas City Royals, who are training next door.
Quote from Mitchell
Doctor Randy: During your weekend here, you will explore ways through yoga, breathing and other mindful pratices to reconnect with yourself and your partner. Also, for a small donation, we have an on-site shaman who can heal your chakras.
Mitchell: Small donation? Sounds like a "chakra con".
Quote from Jay
Jay: Relax, would ya? I'm just trying to get in shape.
Gloria: Okay, but hurry, because we have to go and pick up Joe at the birthday party. Wait a minute. Is that what this is all about Henry's father? I don't understand why you're so insecure just because he's younger, stronger, and more rugged than you are.
Jay: Go easy. I'm working on only one breakfast.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: Joe won't shut up about his new friend's dad. "Henry's dad is so tough". Who cares? He was a stunt double in a couple of "Bourne" movies. From the first time Joe went over there, that guy's been trying to prove how cool he is.
Quote from Jay
Jay: Growing up, I thought my dad was the coolest. And that made me feel good about myself. I mean, I try to stay with it.
Gloria: Exactly! Look at you, you even have a smart watch.
Jay: Yeah, the damn thing tells me when to stand up, when to breathe. [watch beeps]
Watch: [female voice] Your body mass index is-
Jay: Nobody asked!
Quote from Luke
Claire: Your sister is dating a professor of astrophysics, and he's coming here today to meet us.
Luke: Oh, good, someone to talk to. I'm tired of dumbing it down for you chuckle-heads.
Quote from Alex
Alex: [aside to camera] It was hard for me when Haley started dating Arvin, my professor and science hero and okay, fine, crush. I was so upset, I went home, and I may have overindulged on Bagel Bites. He was like a superhero. A beautiful not-so-smart superhero. The last thing I wanted was Professor Fennerman finding out I was dating a dummy. A sweet, chiseled dummy.
Quote from Phil
Claire: Hello, Arvin. It's a pleasure to meet you.
Phil: Yes, you are the first TED Talkin' science superstar we've ever had in our house.
Arvin: Well, as long as I'm a "superstar" and not a supernova. [all laugh]
Alex: You don't even know what you're laughing at.
Quote from Cameron
George Brett: Yeah, how are ya?
Cameron: Uh, good. My name's Cameron.
George Brett: Nice to meet you, Cam.
Cameron: Nice to meet you. Been a fan for- Hey, do you mind if I get a picture?
George Brett: Not at all. Not at all. 300 bucks, how's that sound? I'm retired.
Cameron: 300?
George Brett: I'm just kidding. [both laugh] Come on, it's free.
Quote from Claire
Arvin: Sorry for the interruption.
Haley: Everything okay?
Arvin: Well, the short story is, yes. The long story is, the theory on which I've based much of my career has just been disproven.
Alex: What? Your Vacuum Energy Density Theory? I'm- I'm so sorry.
Phil: Me, too. That was the density theory I thought really worked.
Claire: Really, Phil, what was your second choice?
Quote from Phil
Claire: So, Bill, you are a firefighter?
Bill: Yeah, my three favorite things are helping people, sliding down poles, and hanging off trucks, so I figured might as well make a career out of it.
Arvin: Well, it's good that your favorite things weren't chloroform, duct tape, and windowless vans.
Phil: [laughter] Claire, the joke is he'd be a kidnapper.
Claire: I got it. You know, Phil used to think it was "duck" tape. Like, duck.
Phil: Claire didn't understand the ending of "La La Land".
Quote from Haley
Haley: Sorry. They're not normally like this. Clearly, they're going through something they can't even drop for one important lunch.
Luke: They're arguing over who's smarter, and there's only one way to settle it.
Haley: Another time, in the presence of a marriage counselor?
Luke: Nope. Brain Battle.