Cameron: No, okay, not happening. I'm having flashbacks. I don't know if I ever told you this, but when I was kid, I fell into a well.
Mitchell & Cameron: [together] It happened the same day as baby Jessica, but she got all the press.
Cameron: It still stings. Everybody loves a baby, but not one single prayer for a husky teen who's stuck head-first in a well for the better part of an hour.

Cameron: All right, Lily, let's go. Okay, how late are we, "goat loose in the house" late or "stubborn cow in the road" late?
Mitchell: You've lived here 12 years. Please use city time.

Jay: I found more hot sauce in the garage. Muy caliente.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: Oof! I almost gave it away, there. I got a big surprise for Gloria in the works. I'm learning Spanish. Every chance I get, I pop my earbuds in, learn a few lessons. Program's even got a cool feature. Any phrase I want to learn, I just say it in English, and it spits it right back at me in Español. I'm sorry, I mean "Spanish." Loco!

Cameron: Okay, well, now our only option is the 9:00 p.m. Fortunately, it's a direct flight into Kansas City and then just a short hop on HamTrak, so...
Alex: Did you just say "Ham"...

Haley: Oh, we love our new place, by the way. Thanks again for putting in a good word for us with the owner.
Mitchell: Yeah, he just needed some reassurance, considering most of Dylan's money is tied up in Dave & Buster's gift cards.
Dylan: Safer than banks.