Haley: Oh, it is not that simple. The formula for NERP is very specific: former actress plus confidence based on nothing equals millions in sales of iffy wellness products.
Phil: We should get her a gift for letting us stay here, but what do you give someone who's researching charcoal toothbrushes in Sri Lanka?
Haley: Oh, actually, she's judging a placenta-cooking contest in Minsk.

Haley: Thanks for trying to help, Manny. I guess we'll really never know who broke that tiara.
[aside to camera:]
Haley: I broke the tiara. I was alone at the house the night before doing a little private wine tasting.
[flashback:]
Haley: [mockingly] I made a website, and I tell people how to live. Get a latte enema. Drink ocean water.
[tiara clatters] Oh. Ooh.
[back:]
Haley: I knew if I said to my family, "Do not touch", one of those bozos would have to try it on and then think they cracked it themselves. That's right. I'm a little smarter than people think. But lucky, too. That moose almost ruined everything.

Haley: Obviously, this is the living room. There's a fully stocked bar in the den, and the home theater is downstairs.
Mitchell: Wow. So, your boss launches one style website and she can afford all of this? I wish "1950s closeted father" was a look people were clamoring for.