Cameron: No, okay, not happening. I'm having flashbacks. I don't know if I ever told you this, but when I was kid, I fell into a well.
Mitchell & Cameron: [together] It happened the same day as baby Jessica, but she got all the press.
Cameron: It still stings. Everybody loves a baby, but not one single prayer for a husky teen who's stuck head-first in a well for the better part of an hour.

Cameron: All right, Lily, let's go. Okay, how late are we, "goat loose in the house" late or "stubborn cow in the road" late?
Mitchell: You've lived here 12 years. Please use city time.

Cameron: Hey, um, I wish you'd be a little more mindful of my family situation.
Mitchell: I'm sorry. I didn't realize the vigil had drifted out to the common areas. Cam, come on. She's 95 years old and plugged into a wall. Maybe it's time to, you know...
Cameron: What? What are you saying, Mitchell? That we should pull the plug? [all gasp]
Lily: [Southern accent] Lord o' mercy.

Joe: Daddy?
Jay: What?
Joe: Got you a present.
Jay: That's my boy! Let's see. What do we got in here? Hey. An ice bucket.
[aside to camera:]
Joe: I saw Manny take shampoos from the hotel. So I took some things, too. Then some bigger things. I like stealing. It makes my heart go fast.
[back:]
Jay: And what's in the ice bucket? Oh! A hair dryer. Thanks, buddy.

Gloria: [aside to camera] We were in Juarez for my sweet 19-year-old cousin Marisol's third wedding. It was so beautiful. Thank God that they finished that tunnel in time for her father to make it.