TV Quotes

Alex: Hey, mom, can you take me driving? My test is coming up, and I really need to practice.
Claire: Oh, honey, I would, but I've got a big closets and blinds union meeting today.
[aside to camera:]
Claire: There is no closets and blinds union. Driving with Alex is torture. She drives so slowly. I have to be the only parent who slams on the imaginary gas.

Phil: Hey, honey.
Claire: Oh, you're just in time for breakfast.
Luke: Ooh, we should probably go light on the food. Something tells me we're not gonna want to do this on a full stomach. I can't believe there's such a thing as autopsy camp.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: There is no such thing as autopsy camp. I had to trick Luke 'cause I'm actually taking him to a ballroom-dance class. He's been resisting, but it's in his blood. I come from a long line of dancing Dunphys -- a kick line, actually.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] While often lumped together, gay men and lesbians have less in common than one might think.
Cameron: Like in the Venn diagram of sexual identity, you have gay men...
Mitchell: And straight men. Both the same gender.
Cameron: Then you have gay men...
Mitchell: And straight women. Both attracted to the same gender. But gay men and lesbians? No.
Cameron: Nothing.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] It was Scotty, this local lake kid I met on vacation when I was thirteen. I had a huge crush on him, so on the last day, I decided to take a chance and I kissed him. It was my first time ever kissing a boy, so when he pulled away and said that he wasn't "into this," I was humiliated. I mean, I'd obviously misread signals. He was straight. It was five years before I ever made a move on a guy again. And even then, I wouldn't dare unless he was basically floating across the room. Which is why I ended up with... Well, you know.