Manny: Let's just stay on topic. And try using colorful language to describe your product like "stunning" or "delicious."
Jay: "Delicious"? If my dad heard me say that, he'd have punched me, and I'd have been grateful.

Phil: The fight just gets my boys in the door. What's gonna knock them out is when I wow them with all the amazing things I've lived through.
Claire: Snooze.
Phil: Not the way I do it. I've updated the lyrics to Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire."
Claire: Huh.
Phil: It's not everyone who can rhyme "Bronco chase" with "Melrose Place." I still can't find any '90s thing that rhymes with "Michael Bay."
Claire: Dr. Dre, Ellen's gay, Y2K...
Phil: Don't you have someplace to be? It's boys' night, no chicks allowed.
Claire: Kid 'N Play, "Groundhog Day," Tammy Faye...

Gloria: Hello. Welcome to CalShopTV. I am a perky blonde who is easily amazed.
Jay: I'm Jay Pritchett. I'll bet you were expecting to hear about closets...
Manny: O-Okay, stop. Why are you mentioning closets?
Gloria: Jay, everybody knows that you're the king of closets. If there was a closet hall of fame, you would be in it.
Jay: If? What do you think we were doing that weekend in Corning, New York?