Alex: Dad, your phone's been buzzing like crazy.
Phil: Sweet Lorna Doone. Nineteen missed calls? I wonder who's... [answering phone] Phil Dunphy. You saw the ad? Great. Do you know what you're looking for? The little one. I think I know which one you're talking about. Um, if you're interested, I also have an older model with a lot of character. What? I think the carpet matches the drapes. I haven't checked in a while. Both of them? Wow. Well, I guess that makes sense if you're planning to flip one. Listen, um, why don't I call you back? We'll set up an appointment. It will give me a chance to give them both a good scrubbing. All right. Thanks a lot. Bye-bye.

Luke: Looking great, Dad.
Phil: With these steps, I break the surly bonds- Chicken in a basket! Don't look at me.

Phil: Box of chocolates. Count Chocula. Chaka Khan, conman, Isle of Man. "I Love Lucy," Lucy Liu. Lululemon, lemon peel. "Key & Peele," key chain! Novelty key chain?! No! No!

Phil: Mm. I mean, finding a gift that has all three is challenging, but here's the thing. Bad ideas aren't your enemy. In fact, sometimes if you free-associate from the bad ideas, you discover great ones. Let's try it.
Sales Associate: Sir, would you like a bonsai tree?
Phil: Novelty key chain. First thing that popped into the noodle. It's terrible. Let's see what that key unlocks. Novelty key chain. Novelty lock. Loch Ness Monster. Monster bike. Bike lock. Padlock. Mouse pad. Novelty mouse pad! Novelty key chain! What just happened?

Phil: If I don't care that it mops, dusts, squeegees, and lights up, would I care that Stacey Keach says it's the last cleaning tool you'll ever need?