Phil: I've been putting on a brave face to squash the darkness inside of me, but what if the worst has happened? How will I tell Claire? I won't. I'll have to smother her with a pillow to spare her the pain, but then Jay will have lost a daughter. I'll have to smother him, too. That's two pillows from the same set. It's a pattern. The police are after me!

Manny: Luke and I went to a sketchy neighborhood for tacos last night, and he disappeared, and I haven't seen him since.
Phil: What? Where did you see him last?
Manny: He went off with this girl.
Phil: With a girl?
Manny: Yeah.
Phil: [laughs] Manny. Let me tell you a little something about Dunphy men. When we come into contact with a lady, we leave her with a burning sensation. Let me try that again. Um... When a Dunphy man sees a sexy skirt, he's just gotta get in it. No!

Mitchell: I can't believe it's almost gone.
Cameron: Look, you know, I've only ever considered opening that twice once early on election night and then when we thought "La La Land" won Best Picture.
Mitchell: I know. It's been a rough year.