Jay: Look, kid, that's a deep question, "Will I die some day?" And I'm gonna be straight with you about it... no.
Joe: Never?
Jay: A few years back, people would live to be around 12. Nowadays, what with all the science they're doing, sky's the limit. You play your cards right, and someday you'll be 200, and if you learn anything from your old man, you'll have a gorgeous 100-year-old bride on your arm. Uh, there will be some squawking from women in their 180s, but, uh, you're a successful man and you've earned your happiness.

Luke: [aside to camera] So we discovered our dad made a series of videos through the years.
Alex: Every time he was in danger, he made a goodbye video for us.
Haley: It turns out he's had the same haircut for a really long time.
[porta-potty video:]
Phil: Hey, kids, um, I've been trapped in this porta-potty for some time now, and as you can see by the the curling edges of my mustache, the, uh, the chemical fumes are strong.
[airplane video:]
Phil: I didn't plan to be on an airplane for Y2K, but here I am.
[outdoors video:]
Phil: A quick, loving goodbye as I am surrounded by a swarm of bears.
[hospital video:]
Phil: If anything happens to me today, I have faith knowing that the three of you will always have each other.
[porta-potty video:]
Phil: My fingers are numb, to the point at which it's hard to even keep a grip on the phone. No!
[airplan video:]
Phil: Oh, no! It's happening! It's hap Oh, they're they're just starting the movie. Oh. It's It's "A Bug's Life."
[back:]
Luke: They're goofy. But it's sweet that he wanted his last words on Earth to be something for his family.
Alex: Yeah. Also, we've reached a point in world history where it's become much too easy to film yourself.
Haley: [applying make-up] Totally. Wait, what?

Gloria: Phil, thank you so much for helping, especially after Jay was so rude to you last night.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: I wanted to start a new family tradition. In a way, I succeeded. We now have Phil Un-appreciation Day.
[flashback:]
Phil: Hear ye, hear ye!
Jay: Nope.
Phil: I hereby declare the opening of the first annual Dunphy Games.
Jay: Hard pass.
Phil: Tests of strength, games of chance with the champion receiving the coveted Dunphy chalice and this gift card to Yogurtland.
Jay: Phil, it's not going to happen.
Phil: Your dissent has been noted, town elder, but perhaps those who've seen fewer winters should cast a vote. [chatter]
Frank: Who dares accept the challenge of a noodle-joust?
Phil: No sale, Dad.
Frank: Oh, well. Nice try, Son. I'll probably just drive back to Florida, then. Great to see you guys.