Modern Family - Gloria Quote #725
Gloria: [aside to camera] When Phil told me about this house, I offered to help. Now that Manny's away at college and Joe goes to kindergarten, I have time for one of my old hobbies confronting the devil in all his forms.
Gloria: I have everything I need: sage, a spoon from the Vatican cafeteria, my maracas.
Quote from Luke
Alex: Explain yourself.
Luke: I'm taking photos of your feet for perverts.
Luke: Hear me out. Remember when you couldn't return those sneakers you bought and asked me to sell them online? Right after I listed them, I got a message asking if they'd been worn and sweat in. Before I could lie and say no, I got another message. "Can I see your feet?" Apparently, there are a ton of these feet freaks on the Internet.
Quote from Phil
Phil: [aside to camera] Personally, I don't believe in any of that evil-spirit mumbo jumbo. As a magician, I've learned that every spooky happening has a perfectly reasonable explanation. Even the eeriest of illusions, Satan's Elevator, is really just two mirrors and a tiny... Nice try.
Quote from Gloria
Phil: Oh, this is Gloria. She'll be addressing your concerns.
Mrs. Graham: Nice to meet you. I instantly trust you. Why is that? Oh, I got it. We were once cats together. I joke! I'm not that crazy. [Phil laughs nervously] Now, tell me about the ghost.
Gloria: Well, in these suburban cases, it's usually a low-level haunting, like a dead unpaid gardener, a dead jealous boyfriend, a dead dog who left something unfetched.
Quote from Hit and Run
Jay: Uh, this stupid kid's been in the business about ten minutes. He barely looks at my proposal, and he says he wants more "Wow."
Gloria: What does he mean by more "Wow"?
Manny: It's the "Bieber-ization" of America.
Jay: What do beavers have to do with anything?
Gloria: The beavers, they build the dams all over the country so there's no floods, is the "Beaver-ization" of the Americas.
Manny: I'm finding there's less and less we can talk about.
Quote from Unplugged
Gloria: Look. Look how happy they are instead of him being tied to a tree outside with no one to talk to.
Jay: Why didn't you just tell me this in the first place?
Gloria: Ay, like you would be okay with me stealing a dog.
Gloria: Exactly. That's why I didn't tell you. Now the dog is happy, Manny can sleep, and we have pickles.
Jay: Okay, it worked out this time, but don't forget that stealing is against the law. Now maybe in Colombia-
Gloria: Ah, here we go. Because in Colombia, we trip over goats and we kill people in the street. Do you know how offensive that is? Like we're Peruvians!
Quote from Come Fly with Me
Gloria: [aside to camera] I always wanted a daughter. To dress her up with pretty dresses do her hair, her nails, her makeup. [chuckles] No one knows this, but for the first year of his life, I made up Manny like a girl and told everybody that he was my daughter. [laughs] Ay, but just for a few times. I didn't want to mess with his head. When he found the pictures, I told him that it was his twin sister who died.