Mitchell: Look, it was wrong of you to be mean to Tom, okay? Even though Daddy and I aren't always as open-minded as we should be, we- We want you to be better than us.
Lily: O-kay.
Cameron: No. Listen. We accept people for who they are. Daddy and I would accept you no matter what: boy, girl, gay, straight... Though, if you're a lesbian, please be the fun kind.

Jay: All right. Listen, you guys need anything, let me know.
Shawn: You got it. I'm Shawn, by the way.
Jay: Jay Pritchett.
Gloria: Jay.
Jay: It's okay, Gloria. All handled. This is my wife, Gloria. This is Shawn - and I want to get this right, beautiful African name - Shawn M'badawe.
Shawn: I said, "By the way."
Jay: Ah.

Haley: How do nerds even get mono? Did you all practice by kissing the same pillow?
Alex: Shouldn't you be at work by now?
[aside to camera:]
Haley: I got fired. My plan was to hide it from my parents until I got a new job, but with smarty-pants Alex home, I had to be more careful, or she was going to figure it out. Her being super-sick is coming at a really bad time for me.