Alex: Hey, can you drop me off at the library?
Haley: Sorry. I'm meeting some friends at that coffee shop on Lake.
Alex: You mean the one next to the library?
Haley: That's a library? I thought it was a church for a religion that didn't allow makeup.

Alex: This sucks. My teacher gave me mononucleosis.
Claire: As a parent, I feel I should ask about this.
Haley: Slow down. It's not like she gets that many tugs on the line.
Alex: It's for A.P. Bio. We have to write a report about a disease, and I got the worst one. This is a joke.
Phil: Actually, it's pretty serious. Back in college, I caught mono from my roommate, Ling. Served us right for fooling around. Never share a flute, kids.

Luke: When is the washing machine gonna get fixed? I'm wearing a swimsuit underneath my pants.
Claire: Everybody's gonna have clean clothes soon. The repair guy's supposed to come today between 10:00 and 2:00. Oh! Honey, can you be here for that?
Phil: Can I sit around in an empty house and wait for someone? Baby, I'm a realtor. I have a license for that.