Jay: What's all that about? You mad at me or something?
Gloria: I don't know. Did you do something to make me mad? Because then I am. But if you didn't, then I am not.
Jay: I didn't do anything.
Gloria: Then I am not mad.
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: I am mad. Last night, Jay had a sexy dream about some woman. And I know it wasn't about me, because he knows that I hate when men call me baby. And, yes, people are allowed their private thoughts, and I shouldn't be so angry, but I am Latin, so I get to feel whatever I want.

Jay: You have to stop being so suspicious, Claire. It's okay to trust people.
Gloria: Some people. Other people, who knows? You turn your back for one second, and they have a whole other family on the bad side of town.
Jay: You are my other family from the bad side of town.

Haley: Mom, this is a college class. I'm not in the third grade.
Alex: Don't you have nap time there?
Haley: No. I have free periods, during which I sometimes nap.