Andy: Found another one. I told you.
Haley: Are you gonna do that every time? You found glass, not the lost city of Atlanta.
Andy: Wow, I'm gonna chalk that one up to a lot of underage drinking.

Claire: Keep your eyes closed, and before you open them, remember that for 20 years, you have given me perfect, creative, thoughtful gifts. And every year, I have let you down. You're about to feel really bad, and I know that, because it's how I have felt every year. But, honey, it is not my intention, because I love you. Happy anniversary.
Phil: Oh, my God. Chinese acrobats?! Twenty years, China, you're brilliant!

Haley: [loudly] I sure hope Mom and dad are surprised by this anniversary breakfast we're bringing them!
Luke: I hate to walk in if they are naked.
Alex: Yes, that kind of image could haunt someone if she tries to sleep even years later.
Claire: Oh, relax. I think you're safe.
Phil: [clipping his toenails] Or are they?