Jay: [aside to camera] Gloria's always saying we should do more stuff together. So I agreed to watch this crazy Colombian soap opera she loves.
Gloria: "Fuego y hielo."
Jay: Which apparently, is Spanish for "big hair and yelling."
Gloria: "Fire and ice." It's about human suffering. I relate to it.
Jay: I'm just saying, the guy's a judge. He can put a shirt on.

Claire: [aside to camera] Phil is taking Haley to visit his Alma Mater.
Phil: Loved college.
Claire: Mm, we were hoping some of that enthusiasm rubs off on her. Go, bullfrogs!
Phil: Dogs. Bulldogs. I feel like you do that on purpose.
Claire: No, it's just I say "bull, " and I can't remember if it's frogs or dogs.
Phil: When I talk to my old friends from college, do we croak or do we bark?

Holly: Hey, Claire, listen. Uh, if you want, some of the moms are gonna stay and watch "Gone with the wind" in my new screening room. I got Pinot!
Claire: I would love to, but I'm not feeling that great, so I'm probably just gonna go home and rest. Plus I've seen that movie.
[aside to camera:]
Claire: No, I never saw "Gone with the Wind," but I have two kids at sleepovers, and Haley's out of town with Phil. That means I have one night to myself, which happens once every... never. I am not spending it with some gossipy mom who was mean to me in High School. I need a fun night out.