Cameron: No, okay, not happening. I'm having flashbacks. I don't know if I ever told you this, but when I was kid, I fell into a well.
Mitchell & Cameron: [together] It happened the same day as baby Jessica, but she got all the press.
Cameron: It still stings. Everybody loves a baby, but not one single prayer for a husky teen who's stuck head-first in a well for the better part of an hour.

Cameron: All right, Lily, let's go. Okay, how late are we, "goat loose in the house" late or "stubborn cow in the road" late?
Mitchell: You've lived here 12 years. Please use city time.

Haley: Okay, so we both think that this would make a totally awesome bedroom.
Alex: But only one of us can have it. Don't you think it should be me?
Haley: Oh, so not. It should be me. Right, Luke?
Luke: Why do you guys wanna move into the attic?
Haley: Oh, you mean "the penthouse"?
Alex: With all the privacy of being on its very own floor?
Luke: It is kinda cool.
[aside to camera:]
Luke: I'm not an idiot. I knew what they were up to, but I've been wanting to move for a while. There's a line of ants going to a trick-or-treat bag in my closet, and I don't want to still be there when they get tired of candy.

Mitchell: Cam, you don't have to ice her out completely.
Cameron: Do you think I'm enjoying this? But I need her to detach from me before the new thing comes or who knows what she'll do to it.
Mitchell: Why are you saying "thing" instead of "baby"?
Lily: Kill the new baby.
Mitchell: Oh.

Claire: Okay, let's see. Oh, could you grab me an extra virgin-
Phil: I think one's enough for the sacrifice.
Claire: Olive oil, Phil.
Phil: Come on. That's funny.
Claire: Oh, it's funnier than your freestyle "sandwich rap."
Phil: Girl, you crazy. I'm mad fun to shop with. "Trapped in between two whole wheat slices. Pastrami and Swiss are my only vices."