Guillermo: Good morning, Mr. Pritchett.
Jay: How ya doin', sport?
[aside to camera:]
Jay: I didn't know who that was. I never do. At least once a month, I find a total stranger sitting in my kitchen. Gloria collects every kind of stray looking for work, money you name it. She's got a big heart. It's the one thing I'd like to change about her.

Phil: Sweet and sour chicken! Girls! Get back- Gotta fix that step. Girls!
Alex: Did he just yell? Drive!
Haley: I'm trying!
Phil: You girls get back here right now!
Alex: Pretend you don't hear him.
Phil: I know you can hear me!
Alex: Oh, my God! He's coming towards the car!
Haley: Oh, my God!
Phil: Stop this car!
Alex: We're sorry, Dad.
Haley: We couldn't hear you!
Phil: No more lies! You poked the bear, girls! You poked him!

Claire: Oh, my God. This bathroom is disgusting. The girls told me they would clean it days ago. I can't yell at them about it one more time. You handle it.
Phil: I would, but I promised Luke and Manny I'd take them go-karting for their good report cards.
Claire: What was good about Luke's report card?
Phil: He didn't lose it.