Haley: It's so unfair! You told me I could go!
Claire: I told you you could go if you got a "B" on your history exam, which you didn't.
Haley: I have a learning disability. The letters jump around on the page and appear backwards.
Claire: Honey, we had you tested, like, six times. Trust me, I was praying for dyslexia.

Gloria: "Once upon a time, there lived a family of bears. There was Papa Bear"- That's you, Jay.
Jay: Ah, okay. Let's see. [squinting]
Gloria: Do you want me to hold it and stand in the driveway?
Jay: "Holy mackerel, this is good salmon." I feel like they missed an opportun-
Gloria: [deep voice] Shh. "I don't want to eat the fish. They are my friends."
Jay: What kind of voice is that?
Gloria: I am a bear.
Jay: A bear? I was gonna get a crucifix.

Robbie: Yeah, well, I better get going. I've got an early morning run, celebrity client. Don't ask me who. Let's just say that if I'm late, I'll be in "jeopardy."
Alex: Who is Alex Trebek?
Robbie: Uh, he's a game show host. Why?
Alex: No reason.