Phil: Happy Valentine's, by the way.
Claire: Mmm, no. Gross and sweaty from running. So, for later tonight, you thinking what I'm thinking, valentine?
Phil: I believe I am.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Every Valentine's Day, Claire and I look forward to some naughty role-playing. Sexually adventurous cuckolder Juliana and Clive Bixby, speaker salesman by day, spy by night. Lover also by night and sometimes during the day. The speaker business, it it pretty much runs itself.

Phil: I must say, Juliana, you're the last person I expected to see here tonight.
Claire: Well, with any luck, you'll be the last person I do see tonight.
Phil: [chuckles] Oh, my God.
Claire: Phil, I've had my eye on you for years. I'm just so happy we're finally gonna get some alone time. I'm not scaring you, am I?
Phil: Quite the contrary. Most women who meet me almost instantly ask for some alone time.

Jay: I had a whole private dinner planned. I don't know what happened.
Gloria: But I do. [opens garage] I know exactly what happened!
Jay: No, you don't. l- What the hell?
Gloria: I win! I see you sneaking around, trying to trick me. So when I figure it out, I move the party over here and I trick you! I win!
Jay: What do you mean, you win?
Gloria: I know you think I think you're not romantic but I think you think I'm not smarter than you. So now we know. You are romantic, and I'm smarter than you. And I bought you a motorcycle.
Jay: My God. It's fantastic!
Gloria: I win again!
Jay: Honey, I love all this, but you can't win Valentine's Day. I mean, you defeat the whole idea if you make it into some silly competition.
Gloria: Shut up. I win.

Phil: Valentine's Day isn't over yet, Juliana.
Claire: Sweetie, let's not push it. You almost got arrested tonight.
Phil: That's how it's gonna be? You're just givin' up on us?
Claire: I am not giving up on us. I'm giving up on Clive and Juliana.
Phil: Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I know a couple people who could possibly save this night.
Claire: Hmm.
Phil: Maybe you've heard of 'em. Two American kids doing the best that they can. Phil and Claire Dunphy.

Claire: [aside to camera] This year, for Valentine's Day, we're gonna have a nice, quiet dinner at lbiza. Last year, we, um we overreached a little.
Phil: We created sexy alter egos, Clive and Juliana met in the hotel bar. This one lost her panties in the lobby, in front of her dad-
Claire: Phil.
Phil: Which was a little- It was hard. It was hard for her.
Claire: You know I can't stand it when you use that word.
Phil: Panties?
Claire: Ye- That- Yes. That word.
Phil: Sorry. She lost her underpanties.