Cameron: What else does it say?
Mitchell: Okay, well, this one says, "When my daughter bit her brother I put a pinch of pepper in her mouth. She cried and cried, but she never bit again." Smiley face.
Cameron: Oh, well, the smiley face makes it okay. I waterboarded our toddler. LOL.
Mitchell: All right, what do you suggest we do?
Cameron: That we log off the Spanish Inquisition Web site and handle this with love.

Cameron: I am so sorry. I am so sorry. No, just come over. We'll watch a movie, put the whole thing behind you. Okay, see you in a bit. That was Longinus. He's in a very bad place.
Mitchell: Oh, no. What happened?
Cameron: Well, apparently some maniac went crazy at the mall and attacked him with Oasis for Men.
Mitchell: Oh, well, I think we all knew that day was coming.

Mitchell: He's probably just confused. You know who I bet did it, though? Billy. Rhymes with "Lily." Plus, he is very aggressive.
Cameron: His babysitter is right over there. She's- She's not much of a disciplinarian. Because I can assure you if our child did something like this we would be on her like white on rice. And I know that sounds a little bit like a racial slur because we're white and she presumably likes rice but I didn't intend it that way.