Cameron: [aside to camera] Mitchell has a problem with public displays of affection. I remember once at a New Year's Eve Party, stroke of midnight he high-fived me. Two problems with that: One, gays don't high-five. Two, gays don't high-five.

Jay: Honey, I'm sorry. I'm just teasing you.
Gloria: Instead of being the comedian, why don't you help me?
Jay: What do you need?
Gloria: Slap the chicken.
Jay: Do what?
Gloria: In Colombia, when you cook in honor of the departed you have to scare death away from the food to protect the people that are gonna eat it. Slap it and yell.

Claire: [aside to camera] Your kids don't need to know who you were before you had them. They need to know who you wish you were and they need to try to live up to that person. They're gonna fall short. But better they fall short of the fake you than the real you.
Phil: Which is why we don't hide anything.
Claire: That is the opposite of what I just said.
Phil: I was not listening.