Claire: [aside to camera] If I say something everybody's thinking, does that make me a mean person? Or does it make me a brave person? One who is courageous enough to stand up and say something behind someone's back to a 10-year old?

Phil: There's our little roustabouts! You look like you patched things up pretty good, huh? We can learn so much from the children. I bet it seems kind of silly now what you were fighting about.
Luke: I made fun of his accent.
Gloria: [heavily accented] What accent?
Manny: I made fun of him for having the same thing for lunch every day.
Luke: I made fun of him because his mom used to dig coal.
Gloria: What?
Manny: He said you were a coal digger.
Phil: Okay, I think we can move on!

Cameron: We're at the 10 We're at the 5 We're at the 1 Daddy, we're scoring a touchdown!
Mitchell: Please don't spike our baby. Why is she dressed like the Hamburglar?
Cameron: She's a referee.
Mitchell: Do we even have to go to my dad's tonight?
Cameron: Are you kidding me? We're playing Ohio State.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: I collect antique fountain pens, I'm quite adept at Japanese flower arrangement - Ikebana, and I was a starting offensive lineman at the University of Illinois. Surprise!