Claire: Wow, this office is huge.
Jay: Just placed it. This used to be Schweinberg's department store. Wall of TVs over there. I almost knocked down the display of fondue pots when I saw they were letting Barbara Walters anchor the news.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Phil and I are going to Hero-Con to indulge in our love of fantasy fiction. Um, I-I've always wanted to go, but i-it's a little nerd-forward, and I was always afraid my family would make fun of me. So I've asked Phil to keep it between us.
Phil: That's why we chose our secret warrior signal. My first suggestion was to blow a Viking horn. Don't ever Google that, by the way.
Mitchell: I already did.
Phil: This year, there's a panel, um, on our favorite show, "Clash of Swords." It's got a lot of graphic violence and female nudity, but that's part of its appeal to the fierce warrior inside every man.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Cam's sister's son is staying with us because, well, you know, she's back in jail.
Cameron: But she didn't do anything terrible. She just didn't understand the rules of her probation from last time...
Mitchell: When she did something a little terrible.
Cameron: But we're taking baby Cal back to live with my parents on the farm. Which is a good thing because he's not really a a house baby.
Mitchell: No, no, he's freakishly strong and off the charts size-wise.
Cameron: On the charts. 99th percentile.
Mitchell: He has two teeth and I've seen him eat a whole chicken.