Claire: Do we think that Haley is suited to a professor, because I more saw her with a Gilligan type?
Phil: Come on, now. Lots of happy couples aren't the exact same level of smart.
Claire: That's true. We work.
Phil: Yeah. Wait. When you say, "We work," do you think you're smarter than me or I'm smarter than you?
Claire: I think I'm smart enough not to have this conversation.
Phil: Oh, my God! You do! You think you're smarter than me! Okay, hotshot. How many patents do you have? Headscratcher TM, Aspirin Gun, Polite Car Horn that'll put an end to road rage. [high-pitched] Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.

Gloria: Wow. Henry's dad did such a great job with the birthday party for the kids, huh? "Henry's dad".
Jay: "Henry's dad". I took Joe to see "African Queen" in CinemaScope.

Attendant: So, the float lasts for one hour, during which most people simply experience a deep, relaxed state.
Mitchell: Most people? W-What about the rest? W-What do they experience? Okay, a-are these scratches on this lid here?
Cameron: Oh, come on, Mitchell. The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all.
Attendant: Very well put.
Mitchell: He didn't make that up. It's from "Mulan". Our daughter made us watch it a thousand times.