Jay: [on video] 1946. An iron curtain was descending over Europe. But in Youngstown, Ohio, a child is born. While young Jay Pritchett was superstar athlete, he was also an artist who dreamed of revolutionizing an industry closets.
[aside to camera:]
Claire: He just couldn't let me have my day. He had to make it all about him. It was disgusting. Although the scene of him playing his father denying him a startup loan? Surprisingly powerful.
[back:]
Jay: [on video] While America was doing the Hustle, Jay was hustling to build an empire, which is why one newspaper called him "the hardest working man in closets."
[aside to camera:]
Claire: That was an ad.
[back:]
Jay: [on video] Who would've thought the company, built by that little boy, would one day be the toast of the international closet world? Congratulations. We did it.

Phil: Oh, this is Gloria. She'll be addressing your concerns.
Mrs. Graham: Nice to meet you. I instantly trust you. Why is that? Oh, I got it. We were once cats together. I joke! I'm not that crazy. [Phil laughs nervously] Now, tell me about the ghost.
Gloria: Well, in these suburban cases, it's usually a low-level haunting, like a dead unpaid gardener, a dead jealous boyfriend, a dead dog who left something unfetched.

Phil: [aside to camera] Personally, I don't believe in any of that evil-spirit mumbo jumbo. As a magician, I've learned that every spooky happening has a perfectly reasonable explanation. Even the eeriest of illusions, Satan's Elevator, is really just two mirrors and a tiny... Nice try.