Gloria: That's Auntie Alice's new sauce! She stole my recipe! I know. I am the crazy Colombian that always loses her temper and needs to be calmed down by the white people.
Phil: No! I don't think you're being crazy enough. I'm not a violent man, but I know how nuts it can make you to create something special only to have it stolen from you. Do you remember a hit song called "Happy?"
Gloria: Yeah, it was like a couple of years ago with the clapping and the hat.
Phil: A couple of years ago, huh? So a full four years after this burst on the scene.
Phil: [on video] Because I'm snappy Snap with me if you think that today is a good day That's right, I'm snappy Snap with me if you took a test and you go-o-t an A You see, I'm snappy...
Phil: Sounds just a little similar, right?
Gloria: A little, but-
Phil: Thank you!
Gloria: But do you think that he saw this?
Phil: Um, it had 27 views. Come on. We're going down to that market to make that old bat cease and desist. I will not stand idly by while Auntie Alice Pharrell Williamses you.

Phil: Gloria, we're above that. But not everyone would be. You should put that beauty in your garage.
Auntie Alice: I don't have one.
Phil: Oh, really? Just out of curiosity, do you not have a garage because you converted it into the guesthouse where your grandson's currently showering?
Auntie Alice: What's your game, mister?
Phil: I just find it interesting that you have a fully plumbed stand-alone dwelling on your property.
Auntie Alice: That's none of your business.
Phil: Even more peculiar, your grandson appears to live here, but judging by his T-shirt, he goes to Eden Mills High, an elite public school 12 miles outside of your district. Oh, maybe with the money you saved on private schools, you paid for the new two-sided brick fireplace I saw, which hasn't been legal since 1988.
Gloria: Go, Phil, go!
Phil: Pull the sauce, Big Al, or Monday morning, the city's here with a bulldozer, and your grandson goes to a school with a metal detector.
Auntie Alice: How do you know all this? What are you- Some kind of real-estate agent?
Gloria: No. He's a Realtor. There is a difference somehow!

Cameron: Okay, can I just point out the absurdity that you ask this uncle to advise you and not this uncle, who hung a Valentine's banner outside of his office that said, "Mitchell, you're the best husband, father, and lover."
Mitchell: Didn't love all three of those being rolled into one sentence. Sounded a little Ozark-y.