Jay: Hi, gang. I'm Joe's dad. Hey, uh, anybody want to hear a story?
Erica: That's a great idea, Jay!
Jay: Okay. This one's called "The Teeny Tiny House." "In a teeny tiny town on a teeny tiny block stood a teeny tiny house with a teeny tiny"
Tommy: You're old.
Jay: You seen my wife, Big Ears?
[aside to camera:]
Jay: After that, Big Ears' parents and I had to spend a little time at the feelings table.

Luke: It's a classic scam. You pretend you know someone and then borrow money.
Phil: Okay. Men, gather 'round. Teachable mome- Hey. Just a circle. Gather means a circle. What did you just see?
Reuben: A squirrel eating a band-aid.
Phil: No. You saw a man helping out a friend in need.
Luke: If he was your friend, what's his name?
Phil: That slipped my mind.
Luke: Did you recognize him at all?
Phil: Gentlemen, don't be cynics like Luke. Don't let your skinny jeans cut off the blood to your hearts.

Gloria: Well, you better get used to going there, because if I get put into a murder trial, I could be gone for weeks. Maybe I should tell them that I have experience on a firing squad.
Jay: Why do you say crazy stuff like that? Now, that isn't true, is it?