Alex: What am I doing? I think I left my backpack in the driveway.
Haley: Stop kicking me!
Luke: You're kicking me! [door closes]
Haley: I'm sorry. I'm just fidgety today.
Luke: It's okay. A cookie might help. Here's that napkin you wanted.
Alex: [door opens] I got the mail!
Haley: Would it have killed you to give me one without ketchup on it?
Luke: Move!
Haley: You have room!
Luke: No, move out! You're 40!

Phil: You can't leave us. We're a danger to ourselves. We're a family of fire starters, poison eaters, and online prostitutes.
Claire: It wasn't a perfect summer. It was a stupid summer. Without you here to shame me, I watched every "Real Housewives" episode and I only got to page two in "War and Peace."
Haley: Please stay.
Luke: We need at least one adult in this household.
Alex: Okay, fine. You know the attic window is open, right?
Phil: We really didn't.

Jay: This is unbelievable. The dry cleaner lost another one of my shirts. You know that nice, red-white-and-blue Hawaiian one?
Gloria: Yes, that was a very nice one.
Jay: That's the fourth Hawaiian shirt he's lost. I'm telling you, this is a "Dateline" story waiting to happen.