Cameron: No, okay, not happening. I'm having flashbacks. I don't know if I ever told you this, but when I was kid, I fell into a well.
Mitchell & Cameron: [together] It happened the same day as baby Jessica, but she got all the press.
Cameron: It still stings. Everybody loves a baby, but not one single prayer for a husky teen who's stuck head-first in a well for the better part of an hour.

Cameron: All right, Lily, let's go. Okay, how late are we, "goat loose in the house" late or "stubborn cow in the road" late?
Mitchell: You've lived here 12 years. Please use city time.

Jay: It's a movie. New York, '70s, Charles Bronson's a firm family man, and he-
Manny: Who's pushed to the limit until one day he decides to fight back.
Jay: You've seen it?
Manny: It's called "Death Wish." I doubt it ends with him trading banter in an apartment with Marsha Mason.

Haley: Thanks for winning my computer back.
Luke: And getting me all my money. That was awesome.
Alex: Yeah, if only I had stopped there, but I had to go back down. I got greedy, and I was careless.
Haley: There's a story about that I remember from school. Icarus flew too close to his son. I think their wings bumped. One of them fell. They might have been ducks. Anyway, the lesson is, is that you have to pay attention.

Phil: [on the phone] I'm mad for you Diane. Roger's dating already? OMG, I wonder if she's younger than him. You hold on a second? [switching lines] Lorraine, how's my favorite client?
[aside to camera:]
Phil: I've been on something of a hot streak at work. I've tapped into a rich vein of new clients recently divorced moms. You might say I hit the single-mother lode.