Claire: [on the phone] Haley, I love you. If you don't want to work in that store, I'll help you find something you like better.
Haley: Is this reverse psychiatry?
Claire: No, honey. Actually, nothing is.

Lily: I want a cheeseburger.
Cameron: But this is a special soup called pho.
Lily: You told me not to say that word.

Jay: [aside to camera] It took me right back to 40 years ago, candy-ass preppies with too many privileges. You know what I hated most about those guys? They all had these little noses. What is that?
Okay, gun to my head, maybe I was a tiny bit jealous of those guys back then, with their cars and their fancy hair products: your brylcreems and your VO5s.
You know what was a rare book in my school library? One that didn't have genitals drawn all over it. Who am I kidding? I wanted what those kids had then, and 40 years later, I still wanted it.