Claire: Oh, you always do this. You cram stuff in the freezer without thinking about it. I opened the door, and a frozen turkey almost fell on my foot.
Phil: I keep pulling it to the left. Are we sure the house is level?
Claire: Are you not the least bit sorry? I could have broken a toe.
Phil: Honey, I'm sorry for dozens of things every day that actually happen. If I start apologizing for things that don't happen, how productive of a person would I be?

Gloria: No, it's not just me. Three mothers are giving the party, and we need all our names in the card: Gloria Pritchett, Sara Leonard, Dee Cho. What do you mean that there's no more room? Dee Cho must go on.
Alex: Okay, come on. That one had to be on purpose.

Pepper: Don't listen to him. He's "Cat's in the Cradling" you.
Mitchell: What?
Pepper: He's playing on your emotions so you lose your edge. I do it to my son all the time.
Jay: Did he say "son"?
Pepper: Yes. He's a Navy S.E.A.L. Oh, I've said too much.
Phil: What's "Cats in the cradle"?
Pepper: You know, that song about the dad who misses all the important moments in his kid's life? Stay strong, just like Kyle did in Yemen. Oh, my God, I'm a sieve.