Phil: [aside to camera] You don't get to be district salesman of the year without thinking inside the box. That's right. I said "inside." You know why? 'Cause while everyone's chasing each other around outside the box, you know what the box is? [tapping his skull] Empty.

Claire: [on the phone] How's your open house?
Phil: Pretty empty, actually. I kind of just took it out on a Harry Potter. Seriously, though, a Gryffindor letting his mom carry his Quidditch broom? How Hufflepuff is that?

Luke: Why are there giant lollipops all over the front yard? And why do they taste so bad?
Alex: Because they're made out of cardboard, mouth-breather.
Phil: Hey! The world needs more dreamers, Luke. Never stop licking things.