Gloria: Who drank all the coffee?
Jay: Oh, I, uh, I had quite a bit of that. You know, I haven't, um, been sleeping too well. There's actually a funny story about what's causing that.
Manny: Mom, I'm fully aware of the changes your body is going through, and that nasal stuffiness is very common during pregnancy, but we got a crisis in this house. You've been snoring. But I got you these nasal strips. In the commercial, the old man's angry red sound waves turn a gentle blue.
Gloria: So I'm like an old man?
Manny: No!
Gloria: Like a dog then? A pig? What is it, Manny? I'm an old man, a dog, or a pig?
Manny: Jay, help me out here. You've heard it.
Jay: I don't know what the boy's talking about. If this is a glimpse of teenage Manny, I don't love it. Have a little respect for your beautiful mother.

Phil: Is everybody OK?
Claire: I'm fine. Thanks for waiting.
Alex: What was that?
Phil: Water heater, gas line, the training's the same, people. Just stay low and move out!
Claire: Honey, Luke's gone.
Phil: Claire, spontaneous human combustion is very rare.
Claire: I don't think he exploded, Phil.
Luke: The rope ladder works. At least someone followed protocol.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Cam took a job teaching music at the local middle school. Yeah, his first day is tomorrow.
Cameron: I'm excited for me, but I'm probably more excited for the students because a great teacher is a gift.
Mitchell: Hasn't started yet.
Cameron: I have to tip my hat to my High School music teacher, a real force of nature who was also the defensive coordinator for the football team and supervised calf birthing for the animal husbandry club. Doris Olson. Great lady.
Mitchell: Lady.