Jay: [aside to camera] This weekend, we're going up to Pebble Beach. I'm gonna meet a bunch of guys I played high school football with. Man, those were the good old days.
Gloria: Yeah, unless you were a woman, black, Hispanic, or gay.
Jay: True, but if you were a straight white guy who played football, you really couldn't have a bad day.

Mitchell: No, the lengths that we're going to for a stuffed animal. You know, Cam, maybe it's time Lily learned about loss.
Cameron: No, she's 3, and I know. Do you know how many times I had to say good-bye to a furry friend on the farm?
Mitchell: And didn't it make you stronger?
Cameron: Yeah, because I was a growing boy and they were chock-full of protein. But it was still heartbreaking.

Phil: [aside to camera] I was bummed not to be in my new cool car, so I wasn't joking around with the kids like I usually do. But, you know, there's something about driving your kids around. You're in the front, they're in the back. They forget you're there, and you learn so much. You're like Sigourney Weaver in "Gorillas in the Mist." Except gorillas make less noise chewing.